I'm glad to hear you're doing so well my sweet Sage!! You deserve all the good in this blessed mess. Finding yourself again is a huge step on the path to healing and here you are. Everything you've said is super uplifting minus the logistical divorce stuff. My only concern with this hashing it out amongst yourselves thing you're doing is that if the minutia is going to a mediator or to be discussed between attorneys all this big stuff you're dumping all this energy into will be thrown out the window the second 3rd parties enter in. I just don't want you expending any more bandwidth than necessary with someone who very likely will change his mind in the 11th hour and you'll have to start from scratch. I don't say any of this to discourage your efforts, more so just to keep an eye on how much of your yourself you're putting into coming to an agreement H may just throw out the window.
As to the passive aggression. I think CW, wooba and DNJ have good advice. I would add, people who are passive aggressive are too cowardly to say what they really want to say unfiltered and too childish to be introspective about why they want to react so badly. The most passive aggressive people on the planet are middle school girls sometimes that seeps in to high school. Think about how you dealt with those girls in middle school and high school. How did they deal with it when their behavior didn't phase you in the least? How did they react when they got a rise out of you? While I like the idea of calling it out, you will have to be in a place to call it as it is as unbothered as possible. Wooba's suggestion of "don't be an ahole" is a pretty good way. What I'm saying here isn't you can't be soft if you're going to call it out. You can't say things like "can't we just be kind to each other" or "you know it really isn't helpful when you talk to me like that." It needs to short, to the point, nip it in the bud like you simply don't have time for that. I would also not validate here. There's no point. What's the point in feeding his ego when he's talking down to you? It isn't written any where in anything that we need to be considerate and kind to people who treat us in an ugly way. Your other option here is like wooba suggested don't engage at all. Act like you didn't even notice he was being a duck, and go about your day.
When you deal with H you need to ask yourself how would I deal with a mean girl? That's what your dealing with. Passive aggression is covert bullying. I can say anecdotally when I saw a mean girl being a mean girl to some one else in HS I'd say "Hey Becky no one is paying you to be a b*tch. How about you sit the eff down and shut up?" That would usually shut them up. If they tried to start with me I'd roll my eyes and walk away. Obviously not mature versions of how you probably should approach H when he's being a Becky. But I just wanted you to be able to visualize what you are dealing with. A grown man acting like a 15 year old girl. I hope that can offer some perspective.
