One foot in front of the other

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

I’m glad the evening went well with H around.

Watch out for your expectations. You expect H to drop divorce paper work on you. This will lead you to worrying when the other shoe is going to drop. Expectations affects how one behaves. That which we focus upon becomes bigger.

Our subtle subconscious behaviours affects others and sometimes we unwittingly promote that which we do not want by the very fretting over it. Be your kind and cordial self. Make those suppers, and enjoy H’s cooking. Tell him you like it, give feedback. Stay in roommate mode.

These things I am beginning to accept and are some of the reasons I feel I can move towards D even if doing so goes against my values of doing everything I can for my MR (my principles of taking vows seriously). But I can't protect myself or work through our problems (or his affair) if my H is in La La land and I have no idea if he will ever snap out of it. Logic tells me I have to protect myself.

Divorce does seem to be at odds with our principles, doesn’t it? Vows are serious stuff.

Consider this. H is supposedly actively working towards a divorce. You are responding.

Let H do the heavy lifting. You do not; for you really cannot prevent; block his path and you do not need be too helpful.

If you need financial protection or security than do so. This is a business deal gone sideways. Treat it as such. Logically, well thought out, and sans emotion. You can, and will, cry and scream about things later not during D negotiations and proceedings. And that is only if it gets that far, which is currently being pushed by H.

Something I found helpful was being accurate in thought and heart. The former we have direct control over, the later being influenced. Be accurate in your thoughts and clarity of situation.

But I can't protect myself or work through our problems (or his affair) if my H is in La La land and I have no idea if he will ever snap out of it.

Be careful with the language you use. Very few things are “can’t”, it is mostly “won’t”. DnJ “can’t” get pregnant. That is accurate. Lol

Our minds are always listening and absorbing. Your mind makes your reality. If you say you can’t do something - your mind will make it so. You can protect yourself while H is in La La land. It is more that you “won’t”.

Now, that is not a bad thing. Perhaps you do not need financial protection at the moment. That’s ok. Be accurate and clear. You have choice and options. Thinking you “can’t” leaves you powerless and adrift. You are not! You “can”, and at the moment you are choosing not to exercise that option. If/when you decide different, you “will” do it.

Can’t vs won’t. Can vs will. Do vs try. By the way “try” predisposed one to fail. It sets up our mind to allow or seek either completion or failure as validate outcomes. “Do” is much better than “try”. True, one may still not succeed, however the rate of success is much higher when one goes into things with a successful “doing” outlook.

I do worry about R talks as I have a strong feeling he is serving me D papers this week (and there is an agreement I asked him to review as well), so there will probably need to be some words around that. I'm hoping I can just say "I'm too emotional to discuss this right now, so let me absorb it and discuss it with you later", which will also give me time to review anything I get with my L.

Feelings. Do not make decisions based upon them.

If H does serve you papers - fine. Just put them in a pile and look at them after he is gone. Treat them like they are - papers. Shrug. No one get divorced in a day. You have plenty of time, and do not need to rush. If he does surprise you with paperwork, read them later and take them to your lawyer for discussion. You cannot control him, only yourself. You control your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

I do like your proposed response. You could even shorten that up some more for H; for yourself yes that is very true and accurate - good job speaking to your mind.

If H gives you paperwork. “Oh. Divorce paperwork? Thanks H”. Then put them unopened on your desk of counter or whatever. Actions speak so much louder than words.

I know how cr@ppy this all feels. How much it hurts. (((Hugs)))

Stay strong. You are doing fine.

D