I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

I hope you are doing fine! Short update on Pack, I started working on the second course on ML within our company and it has a competitive rankling I am giving it all to finish at the top. I also went to my first crossfit session today I loved it. I have great hopes for meeting people and improving physically there.

Last Sunday I did 55 Km on the bike, on mud and offroad and I had fun like a boy. The project in Israel was a success but I am concerned it might not be enough to ask for the raise I wanted to ask for in April so that I can be in a better financial situation to eventually start going to the office by the end of the year when I don't have the kids.

I can say I am proudly NC, I think W is seeing OM but I am focused on me and growing from all the suffering I have gone through. Last Sunday, as I was leaving the kids, S2 was crying because he did not want to go and S7 had a very sad gesture. I know this is temporary but I need to write it here because it still amazes me how coldly she behaves and how she has wiped me out of the pic and does not care about the status of our family. I am sorry if I repeat this a lot, it hurts beyond words can explain. I left them and went to see some friends, tears in me eyes as I drove away. I need to grow stronger.

There is a voice growing in my head telling me I deserve more, better and I cannot tolerate what W is doing now. Not only for my personal boundaries and mental health, but also for the message I am sending to my kids. I know, they are too small, but one day they will understand and I have to be a model for them.

I know I idealized her and our family but it really was something worth fighting for, our children deserved a loving family with a great example of how to love your partner from us. I cant get rid of the feeling that I failed, that I pressured her too much and that I made many mistakes along 2020 but at the same time she has given me not the slightest option to turn this around. I think a lot about my boundaries, my NUTS and the deadline I have in May this year.

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So what would she have to do before it trumped being your W and mother of your 2 children? Sleep with more than one other guy? Where do you draw the line that being your W and mother of your 2 kids no longer gives her a pass?

Hi Steve, one OM is enough. I don't know how many there have been but one is enough to make me realize we do not share values about what the S means and what protecting and preserving our family requires. I feel like I lost a whole year, despite all my changes, I stopped my life and career after believing a lot of BS from W and turning myself into a monster and inept H.

Being sad and lonely is part of the journey. No one on this board ever says that the journey to better days in the future won't have pain. It is kind of like road construction. They put up signs that say: "Short-term inconvenience mean long-term relief!" You will feel sad. You will feel lonely. But that short-term pain will lead to long-term being stronger, happier and more awesome. So when sad and lonely remember that it is a temporary state.

It makes me think about the show Everyone Loves Raymond. Raymond is talking to his single brother that lives alone, and they are comparing who has it worse. Raymond says to him in the discussion: "You are lucky, at my house I am just happy if I can get 5 minutes in the bathroom alone without maniacs pounding on the door!" So look at the bright side of being on your own. I was a bachelor for several years before I met my W. I remember as we got more serious I actually struggled with her being there so often, and not having "my space". Enjoy your "space"! (I know, easier said than done.)

I understand it is part of the journey but it feels as if I lost this war. I keep thinking about the value in all we had built, the things I achieved for my family, all the memories we shared and the incredible experience of having kids and seeing them grow and love you and drive you crazy. Meanwhile she is out there meeting guys and pretending her life has started now. I know this is my mind thinking the wrong way but I cannot help it, my feelings and my values push me to defend the value in all we had.

I am trying to enjoy my space more and more. My friends make jokes about how much I exercise, I am watching videos about the things `i love and saving for the motorbike and the new car as I always wanted. I am also enjoying the freedom of coming and going at any time I want when I dont have the kids and I try to talk to women to practive my new emotional skills and active listening and to improve my self esteem.

My thoughts are changing, slowly, but they are changing and W could get as many OMs as she wanted, it does not change what is in my blood and it does not define Pack as a man who was left behind by his W. Pack is a great guy, he is successful at work, he has 2 kids who adore him, he is healthy, responsible and well educated, he takes care of his looks and has goals and ambition. Pack is a great guy, not just a LBS.

Thanks Steve, please keep posting! ((hugs)) Pack