Have you ever read about The Nice Girl Syndrome? If not, please google it, and see if you think it sounds familiar with some of your traits. Don't confuse it with the the one that's called the good girl syndrome, b/c that one is mostly linked to feelings about sex. Take a look at nice girl syndrome. You may find some answers in why you endure abusive and manipulative relationships. I'm interested in knowing what you think.
((hugs))
I think this is probably pretty spot on for me. I've been guilty about all 7 features at some point.
The good news is that I have been tackling a couple of the 7 prior to even reading what this was about. I'm saying "no" more... the next step is then not wallowing for days over the guilt of saying "no"... and yes, that does happen. I was asked recently to do something for my mother but the timing would not work with my schedule and then leaving for vacation. I told my mother "no" and briefly explained I cannot get to another town by 4pm when I work till 6-7pm, followed by the only day I have free is the day I leave for vacation. She was NOT pleased by her passive aggressive tone and follow up text 2 days later. The guilt stayed with me for a solid 5 days. The only way I could manage the guilt was to not reply to her text message and just not have contact at all with her.
I get it. I'm still trying to please my STBXH despite what a piece of crap he was to me at times. I can look back and see we would take vacations to Hawaii, Las Vegas... and I would be sitting there silently crying. Tears streaming down my face for the way he would make me feel and then 2hr later he would act like it was no big deal and for me to get over it. He would never apologize - just try to do something he thought I would perceive as nice and then never give it another thought.
But, perhaps I contributed to these situations? By not being able to take ANY criticism??? I spent a great chunk of time defending my actions or rather a better term would be "what I do for you". For example - STBXH commuted over 2hr a day while I had a commute of 10min. Therefore, I felt it was my responsibility to do 100% of the laundry, housekeeping, and cooking. When STBXH would be stressed, tired, frustrated and not dealing with it well, I often said "I'm doing the laundry, the cooking and cleaning". STBXH would be resentful feeling that I held those things over this head... He would get angry if I said "I cooked you dinner". His reply would be "are you not eating too? so then you cooked 'us' dinner". I would get frustrated because my statement wasn't meant to imply that I was also not doing something for myself... that's not how I meant it. It took him leaving for me to see how my statement made him feel. I think it was wrong of him to treat me that way over "I cooked you dinner", however I should have validated his feelings better. Yes, I can see how you would feel that way when I make my actions about "you" and not "us".
All this time and I'm still getting drug down by the weight of my emotions/guilt of how it took me so long to see my STBXH's side. I'm not agreeing that he was right but he also wasn't wrong all of the time. Its just sad and terrible that I am unable to let him know that "I get it now, I understand why and how some of these things bothered you
Currently I'm balancing being pleasing not only to my STBXH but also today my atty. It can be a vicious cycle some days for sure.
