Gere wasn’t even a bad husband he just maybe worked too much. I couldn’t even watch that movie when I was in the thick of it. I watched it not long ago and just shook my head and said fuching WWs will risk everything to get the excitement.
I do enjoy when you find unexpected wisdom like you did, and I have to LOL b/c MWD wrote about how people gain many misconceptions about relationships from Hollywood.
Ultimately, it is crazy how R's can snowball like this and understand these dynamics logically can allow people here to step back and make rational decisions about how to break such a cycle. I still find myself getting sucked into complacency and old habits.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
There was a scene near the end of the movie where Jennifer Aniston invites Vince Vaughn to a concert trying to get back together (after the condo is being sold and they have two week to move out), and he stands her up. The next morning he goes to her room to find her crying, and she has the heart-to-heart with him that she should have had with him instead of the big blow-up that started the whole mess. I thought this was also well done because it showed that by time the one "spouse" is ready to really confront the real issues in the R, it is usually too late and the dynamics of the R are such that the damage has been done, too much toothpaste is out of the tube, and trying to put it all back together again is probably futile at that point.
In that scene, Vince's character, after Jennifer's tells him exactly why she had been unhappy, says "Why didn't you ever say that?" She says: "I did try to say that so many times." And he says: "Yeah, but never like that." But since he just stood her up for the concert she is no longer interested in trying, she is tired of being hurt.
Interesting on the timing / dynamics of who wants to try when. And the ending leaves it ambiguous as to whether or not they reconcile in the future...
Originally Posted by LH19
Yep. I remember seeing that movie and thinking holy fuch that was my marriage to a T.
If you want to watch a movie to get you fired up watch Unfaithful with Richard Gere.
Originally Posted by LH19
Gere wasn’t even a bad husband he just maybe worked too much. I couldn’t even watch that movie when I was in the thick of it. I watched it not long ago and just shook my head and said fuching WWs will risk everything to get the excitement.
I remember watching "Unfaithful" movie 20 years ago and thinking back then if I were on Gere's jury I'd feel like acquitting him for justifiable homicide...and that was well before my current sitch. The prosecutor better strike me from the jury pool at this point!
Funny timing on this topic. Just last night I watched "Crazy, Stupid, Love." on Netflix because the premise is Steve Carrel's wife cheats on him with a coworker and a younger/smoother Ryan Gosling coaches him to get over it and be a ladies man by doing many of the things suggested here, and other places recommended her like the Entrepreneurs in Cars and 3% Man (stop telling people your sob story, up your wardrobe, be more confident...etc.). He even tells him at one point: "Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover." Unfortunately it devolves into a typical Hollywood RomCom at the end where all the guys (including the affair partner) get into a scuffle and Carrel appeals to her emotions through "romantic / history talk" and they get back together.
Another great one is "Forgetting Sarah Marshal". Besides being hilarious, it follows the script to a "T". Kristen Bell is cheating on and dumps Jason Segel, who begs and pleads her back initially and she's annoyed by it, but eventually he meets Mila Kunis and starts having fun and enjoying life and realizes all the reasons Kristin Bell's character was awful (whereas she starts remembering how great he was at times compared to the new guy) and wants him back. Fortunately for him he's already moved on with Kunis and is much happier.
Last edited by BL42; 03/08/2104:27 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Another message in Crazy, Stupid, Love is that Ryan Gosling's life isn't all that fulfilling either. The "lady's man", bouncing from one night stand to one night stand, wasn't setup for long-term happiness either. And while it temporarily made Carrel's character feel better, he really just wanted his family back. That was also why Ryan Gosling befriended him to help him was something was missing from his life. And then there is the whole Ryan Gosling showing up with Carrel's daughter, and Carrel realizing that Gosling wasn't the kind of guy you wanted for your daughter!
I agree with MWD, Hollywood typically messes up the messaging, and even in the movies we are discussing, they take the story to places that no one in real life should go (killing the OM, getting into a group brawl with OM in the backyard, etc). But the underlying messages can resonate in our own MRs and sitches.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
they take the story to places that no one in real life should go (killing the OM, getting into a group brawl with OM in the backyard, etc). But the underlying messages can resonate in our own MRs and sitches.
I don't condone it, but I understand.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
"Marriage Story" is another one that is worth watching if you can emotionally handle it.
I've been avoiding that one. The others are mostly comedies. Based on the previews of Marriage Story it seems a bit too real and emotionally poignant with everything so raw.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
D graduated from HS. Will be heading off to college this fall. Exciting, scary and sad all at the same time! Interesting the range of emotions. My dad, at her ceremony, asked me if I was going to cry. (Men in our family tend to not cry very often.) I said "No. I would have cried if she hadn't graduated!"
Part of the issue is that I think back to when things were not going well in my MR. I would look ahead to the summer-fall of 2021 as when I was going to pull the plug since my D was 18. A common (from talking to other people that are unhappy in their MR) plan that some actually end up following through on. Of course, it has been years since I've thought like that and now could never imagine even considering that.
Luckily we've saved a decent amount to fund college for her, so we are good there. So now my thoughts are turning to retirement! I've always wanted to retire early, so we will see. I am probably a good 3-4 years away from being able to retire and have investments whose growth will outpace spending for the rest of my life (using 100 yo as the calculation!) So we will see how it goes.
I've been thinking a lot about folks going through post-BD limbo and continue to empathize with their plight. I'd love to see activity on the forum pick up. I really enjoy sharing my experience with others, and hopefully helping them in the process. So I miss the forum having more active posters with active sitches to help. Have had a couple of friends go through it in the last couple of years so I've been trying to help them as well. Of all of the "experts" I studied so thoroughly over the years, MWD has the best formula for dealing with and moving forward from BD and the aftermath!
Last edited by SteveLW; 06/15/2101:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Part of the issue is that I think back to when things were not going well in my MR. I would look ahead to the summer-fall of 2021 as when I was going to pull the plug since my D was 18. A common (from talking to other people that are unhappy in their MR) plan that some actually end up following through on.
My brothers sister-in-law literally moved in with her mom the day after her oldest son's graduation party. Never looked back and now is engaged to a man very different then her ex husband. The "grey divorce" is on the rise and I think will only continue to grow as people live longer. It is my opinion that the institute of marriage will be obsolete in the next 100 years. Sad but true.
It is my opinion that the institute of marriage will be obsolete in the next 100 years. Sad but true.
I feel that today marriage is often nothing more than a legal contract and is increasingly becoming disconnected from what a loving relationship is. This is not even a modern thing but has been the case throughout the history of mankind where marriages have been based on political alliances, ability to provide or other factors that have nothing to do with love. Look at some of the great love stories told and think about how many of those couples were married. Romeo and Juliet is a great example where the couple is in love but has no path to get married. If they did not die at the end of the play they probably would have ended up in unhappy marriages with other people in the sequel
