One foot in front of the other

[DnJ]

Hello El

I appreciated your visit on my thread and have finally caught up on your’s.

I feel strongly that he is in a MLC and things with his OW will not last, but I have to protect myself in case he never snaps out of this new personality he is now. I've decided I can't be with this man who is currently showing this lack of character, integrity and with this level of selfishness.

Whether it is MLC or not, your actions are similar. Detach, focus on you, let go, find indifference, find yourself, strengthen your core values, unwind indifference, understand, empathize, accept, and forgive. (Just a brief summary. )

MLC has some signposts which set it apart from other spousal personality issues and cheating. Confusion is a big one. As well as a profound consuming depression.

The depression is usually hidden deep within the MLCer. Most do not lift their veil or facade to let anyone, including themselves, see the hurt, pain, and torment from long ago buried trauma(s).

These people are in an emotional crisis, the cause of which happened long before we ever came upon the scene. Their path and pain has nothing to do with us. The MLCer is completely ruled and driven by their emotions. Everything is based upon their emotions. Everything.

They are running from themselves, and don’t realize it. They project their pain upon us, the loving spouse. They blame us. They justify wildly. Their path is irrational. Nothing you say or do will alter it. At best your efforts will be neutral; more likely they would just prolong the MLCer’s journey.

Understand they are driven to run. They cannot handle what they are feeling. Something was buried when they were young and it emotionally stunted them, and they need to face it and grow up from there. Things buried alive always come back to haunt.

The running is the longest stage and our first real in our face look at their new life. Bomb drop is the start for the LBS; the MLCer’s slipping away started silently, 18-24 months earlier. The MLCer becomes the opposite of who they once were. They are driven to regain their lost youth, and in the process become lost souls.

MLC is a horrible painful existence. It is staggering how many turn to affairs, drugs, illicit or illegal actives, spend enormous sums of money, and many other such traits. Most become terrible parents. They absolutely believe their crafted narrative, and will expend incredible amounts of energies to maintain their fantasy reality. There is a commonality among those in an emotional crisis. No two are the same, yet there is plenty of overlap.

MLC lasts many years. I sincerely hope that your H is not in MLC. Unfortunately, his behaviour seems to fit. This is not an easy path for the LBS, and the path for the MLCer I would not curse upon anyone.

Their awakening is not guaranteed. If it does happen it will not be a snap out of the personality they now exhibit. It will be a quiet scared whisper of doubt. A doubt of their very existence. Their crafted reality tumbles to sand as they scramble in a futile effort in continual rebuilding and refortifying. They run from themselves.

The LBS gives time and space, for those will taken regardless. We step aside, for anyone; kids, parents, friends, family, clergy, anyone; blocking a MLCer’s path will be mowed down. With the LBS out of the MLCer’s picture, hopefully they start to realize that they are still unhappy and that we haven’t been involved for quite sometime...so maybe my unhappiness isn’t my spouse’s fault. And then they turn their attention inward. Stop running and grow. As I said, hopefully.

There is still a part of me that wants to be the lighthouse and stand for him, but there is other parts of my heart and brain that are telling me that is not what I should do. How do I know if it's worth doing? How do you tell the MLCer apart from the person you married, and if they have changed for good? Or if it was all a mirage in the first place and maybe they were never the person you thought they were? If I move on post divorce with finding someone new, how do I know I won't pick a bad apple again? How do I trust my judgement? So much was hidden from me, so how can I be sure the next time? These are the thoughts and fears that I am dealing with lately.

Asking questions is common and healthy. We all need a certain amount of understanding to detach and let go. This is a very counterintuitive process, especially with a MLCer.

Everything you do - do it for you. Not to win back H. Not to punish, nor coerce, not to manipulate their path.

Become a lighthouse for yourself. Stand for you. I’ve spoken plenty about these tenets on my threads. We find our values and convictions. We strengthen those which serve us, craft those which we aspire to, and alter or discard those which serve us not.

Please do not fret over the lack of answers to you questions. You are starting out, stay the course. Be patient answers are coming, they are counterintuitive, and I guarantee you will be amazed at what you discover.

I'm sure he will use this same excuse about work to postpone signing the agreement too. I'm expecting it.

Do be careful with expectations. Unmet expectations turn to resentments. A MLCer will not met expectations - ever. Keep your expectations at zero.

Hope is ok. Hope is timeless. An expectation is hope with a deadline or timeframe. A deadline does just that - kills hope, and turns it into an expectation.

You mentioned a deadline of one year that you’d stand. Please do remove that constriction. You have no foretelling nor schedule of your healing, you may require more time. H will require more. A future reconciliation would definitely require more.

I am at 3 years six months. My XW is still lost. She blew up her life at Thanksgiving. Threw the kids away, like they were old clothes, right there at the dinner table, and ran off with OM. Right after eating the pumpkin pie, there was bomb drop in front of my parents and kids. In three hours XW left with OM, I suddenly lived alone, me and my kids were abandoned, and I become a single Dad with sole custody. None of us saw it coming.

My loving wife was gone, and today is still a very lost soul. You’d be amazed at the woman and Mom she was. MLC is a horrible torment which consumes.

Maybe I'm just sad as I'm passed the denial stage and I'm just sad and confused by how bad of a person he is right now. I don't know. I believed in him so much (as a person with integrity). I feel I wasted ten years of my life on a lie. Sort of makes me anxious to get it all over with so I can be free to move forward. I know I will be fine. I know I can make a future for myself and it will be a good one. But I'm still sad that the future I thought I had was snatched away from me in such a cruel and deceitful way.

(((Hugs)))

The stages of grief. Denial is the first stage. Everything else is nonlinear. We will traverse our grief as we need to. We will repeat certain stages a few times.

Denial is a necessary protective mechanism of our mind. It blocks that which would destroy us until we are able to start to process it. That initial shock and zombie-like feeling is us in denial. Whatever we are denying is just that, denied from our conscious self.

Anger, depression, bargaining all happen in various orders for various parts and pieces of your loss as they are revealed to your mind. Your sad and confused current state is perfectly fine and normal.

The stages of grief lead to acceptance, which is basically emotional understanding. At that point one is no longer depressed, or angry, or sad, or attempting to return their life to normal. They accept.

A word on emotions and feelings.

Feelings are real. Feeling are temporary. I know and empathize on how “forever” they feel. Have faith. Feeling are fleeting when they are not reinforced.

An example of the fleeting-ness of feelings:

Smile. Right now.

See how you feel happier.

Now frown. Furl your brow. Really push your lips down.

See how you instantly changed from happy to upset.

Feelings are fleeting!

And are easily influenced by thoughts and actions, especially those of our spouse. That is why detachment is the single best thing you can do. Find detachment and let go. For if you don’t you will be dragged around.

Do not make decisions based upon feelings. Feelings change, and then so does the reason for the decision. Utilize logic and reason.

Further down your path, after ensuring your beliefs and values are those that you want, follow your values. Beliefs are slow to change and make excellent headings in concert with logical reasoning. However, for the moment, your values are a bit skewed - as counterintuitive or untrue as that feels. Have faith in the path, and the kind and compassionate folks who have walked before.

Any suggestions? Should I avoid time with him like walks etc? Should I try to be in other rooms, etc? Our last convo was how I don’t want to be ‘friends’ but I don’t want to be enemies either, especially with son here and upcoming D process.

Feeling a bit out of sorts about it.

It’s perfectly fine to feel out of sorts. Those are feelings, they are real, remember to treat them as such.

When you interact with H be kind and cordial. Friendly not friends. For you are not friends. My friends do not treat me that way.

I know. Kind of goes against the grain doesn’t it? Counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. That is your beliefs. It is going to take time for them to catch up to current events. You deep inside believe in the old H - perfectly normal and fine. Now, you work towards compassion and understanding while altering your core views to the new reality. This is part of finding acceptance.

I believe your H is within MLC, as such my suggestions speak to that. And to note, all mine and everyone’s suggestions have you in the fore. You my dear are the most important person in all of this.

El, H is with another woman. Yes, avoid going on walks with him. Do not remain in the same room. He is not living there. He is just visiting, and he is not a friend. I understand and empathize with the fact that you cannot prevent him entering the house. Do not be disrespected. Place boundaries when required.

I get it, you do not want to be enemies. H will not listen and will define you as he “needs” to. He will make you the enemy if he requires that. He is literally driven to run and you are going to get the blame. It is not fair. Not at all.

Also realize he will define you as friend if that suits his emotional need. Stick to your path. Your forearmed thoughts and questions are good and will help you see clearly.

Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.

You cannot fix him, for you did not break him.

D