Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

I think you are doing really well and trying your best to forgive. I think it’s going to come down to one word “trust”. Can you trust him?

Hi LH, I do trust him... but I'm a trusting fool as I have probably noted before. So take that with a grain of salt. But yes, I absolutely do trust him that AP is out of the picture and not coming back, and that he's learned his lesson on what is important and wouldn't ever risk this again. The trust has actually been there for awhile. It has been my head that was telling me I was dumb to trust him. It is only in the past few weeks that my head has caught up to my gut on this one. And my head isn't 100 percent there, either.

But-- do I trust that he can do the hard work to learn from this $hitshow, to be a better and bigger man, to ensure going forward that his actions align with his values, to admit his failings and work hard to improve himself, swallow his ego-- all the things that would have to happen to get to M2.0? That, I don't know.

We’re finding in a lot of these situations that the affairs weren’t their first rodeo. Does your husband have of a history of any other affairs.

Yes, this was his first and only affair. It also wasn't like a little slip up though. If I'm trying to feel generous, I do think there were some aspects that made it last as long as it did without him being a total sociopath-- she lived 5k miles away so they only saw each other maybe 15-20 times total in the entire two years (at some point I counted it all up but have now forgotten). He also never had any serious GFs before me. I was the first person he ever said ILY to. (No longer the only person. Which is hurtful, obviously. Though maybe a tad bit unfair because I did have serious Rs before him... but at least they didn't overlap!!) He had zero idea of what it meant to break up with someone. I think he made a series of stupid and selfish choices that landed him in a situation he didn't know how to get out of. He didn't believe that R with me would be possible. he thought that once I knew what he'd done he'd be out on the street the next day. Anyway. No real need to rehash any of that right now, but just to say that yes, I do believe this was his only affair. We aren't in a Steve_'s wife sitch right now.

CW-- thank you. I think I am going to struggle with control forever! But I'm also starting to realize that one of the things that I want in M2.0 is to feel more like a partnership and less like me running the household with input from him. I was thinking about Sage's situation and how she completely handled everything, including her H, for years. My sitch wasn't as extreme as hers-- I have two kids, not four; my H traveled maybe half of what hers did; and my H *has* stepped up quite a bit in this realm throughout this whole mess-- but I do feel like I shouldered the majority of the emotional burden of running a household, and I did all the research for everything else we did and would have him weigh in on the options. I don't want that anymore. I want a full partner and I think that means me giving up (perceived) control over the future. I control me-- that's it.

Wayfarer-- I really appreciate you weighing in. I know this isn't linear and I guess this is my control side speaking again but it would all be so much easier and more comfortable if there was more of a path, I could check off the boxes of feeling like we're going in the right direction at least or not. I know there is no magic key that can tell me if this is all going to be worthwhile. Maybe if we get a really terrific MC that will help, someone who has been through this with others before and knows what it takes to be successful.

I guess the funny thing is that the script is so GD clear during the A. Every single f-ing WS says the same GD things. It would be hilarious if it weren't so horrible. So part of me feels like there should be a script for these next parts, too, you know? Maybe there is and I just don't know what to look for.

You know, though. My gut has never, ever wavered on any of this. My head is unsure and desperately wants more security. My heart is still hurt. But my gut has always said we'll get through this. (Again. My gut has been wrong, though. I believed him during the trickle-truth era when he kept telling me a bit more but that was it. When he told me for a year there was no-one else, that I had broken him sexually because of the SSM, the ILYB stuff. Then that it was only an EA, they had kissed once. Etc.)

Of course, no need to rehash. But my brain has a hard time trusting my gut right now. For a long time I was angry with him for taking that away from me, my own belief in my own intuition. But I realize that no-one can take that away from me! That is all on me. I can choose to not let this experience change how i see and interact with the world. I am a glass-half-full person and I mean to stay that way.