Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sage

Good for you to keep posting. There can be some privacy issues. However, the real overcoming is one’s fear. That irrational feeling of shame, wanting to hide, and so on. Nice to see you pushing through that. And yeah, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of; letting fear dictate your behaviours and beliefs doesn’t serve you. Good job for altering that.

While we are looking at beliefs.

I am doing great these days. In fact, my relationship status notwithstanding, I would say I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

I am going to suggest a revision. An alteration / discarding to something which doesn’t serve you.

I am doing great these days. In fact, my relationship status notwithstanding, I would say I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

Your happiness is not contingent upon your relationship status. You can be sad about your relationship or anything really, and still be a happy joy filled person. No need to muddy the waters of your happiness.

there are ethical ways to end a marriage

Ain’t that the truth!

These trouble people choose, or are driven to, their narrow depression filled self destructive view point and go off the rails, usually in a staggeringly unethical display.

It is great to see you finding understanding of the gift you have been given. My XW’s gift to me was similarly received initially.

Finally, some advice needed: how do I deal with the passive-agressive behavior? In our M, I would gently bring it to his attention and we would work to get to the bottom of his feelings. But that is clearly not my role at the moment. And going NC is not practical for children and D settlement talk reasons. Any suggestions?

I like that you are asking about passive aggressive behaviour not a passive aggressive person. You’ve already done a couple of steps. First, is recognizing the behaviour. Second, separating the behaviour from the person.

During your M you would work to get to the bottom of his feelings. Very admirable. And quite in line with your role as wife, friend, confidant.

Passive aggressive behaviour stems from a person’s unwillingness or inability to face or recognize their feelings and stirred up emotions. Or even the absence thereof.

We cannot fix them. You current being fired from wife role hasn’t really changed that. It has changed how you interface with him and perhaps walk him through stuff.

Acknowledge his feelings. Validate them, for they are true. Do not argue against the person’s feelings, they feel what they do. This is done in a nonjudgemental way. Be factual, open, and honest. Use open ended statements that promote further discussion (if you want or when it is appropriate). Imagine a child angry at been told to clean their room. They are procrastinating, dragging themselves around, stating they’re “fine”, and so on.

You seem upset having to clean your room.

Notice no question or judging or attempt to modify their outlook or seeing if you are to blame like this example - Are you upset with me for telling you clean you room? You know if you put you stuff away it wouldn’t get in the disastrous state and we wouldn’t need to go down this road every few weeks.

Lol.

Just acknowledge their apparent feelings (you don’t actually know what they are feeling), their display of emotions or behaviour. It’s not them, it’s their behaviour, their reaction to their emotions.

This does a few things. It validates and bring accountability and clarity of the situation. Many times a passive aggressive behaviour is rooted from not understanding their feelings, not being able to put it into words. That is not from being too stupid or anything like that, it is from being emotional highjacked. It is the irrational mind taking over, and one cannot rationalize their pressing irrational emotions in that state. Many times people need it to be acknowledged and pointed out.

After that, time and space. The person needs both of those, to consider their emotions and their responses to their emotions. They need to calm, or step up, or walk back whatever trouble they’ve stirred up, or whatever other appropriate approach is required. Of course, a person in crisis is a very troubled individual.

That is where boundaries come in. After clearly and non-judgmentally acknowledging their behaviour and apparent emotions, if they persist in furthering things, continuing to be aggressive, it usually becomes disrespectful. Place boundaries on disrespectful behaviour - not on the person. (Remember step 2. Separating person and behaviour).

Boundaries are for you. They do not alter the aggressor. They do influence, it is up to them what they will do will the feedback, the acknowledgement, and the eventual boundaries which all depends upon how far they do push their passive aggressiveness.

Remember, you only control you.

It does help to realize that people are doing what they can with the tools they have. A passive aggressive response is likely and quite common in our not taught emotions or coping world. Pretty sad state when you look at it. Which is highlighted in the staggering failure rate of marriages or relationship strife.

No contact is another tool. A protective tool for your mental health. A boundary could, and usually does, include a no contact if/when the disrespectful behaviour is exhibited or happening. A blanket no contact is not a boundary. Boundaries are specific to a given and identified circumstance or event.

So, you can be NC for those disrespectful times during D negotiations. H, when you swear and call me name, I’m hanging up.

For the practicalities regarding the children. Life and limb decisions get discussed. Monetary support issues get discussed. Anything else is not needed. A more amicable divorce or split would allow other discussions to take place, which would be nice. However, basically, regarding kids: Your house, your rules. H’s house, H’s rules.

If and when H can put away his passive aggressive behaviour you can discuss and jointly decide childrearing choices together. (I never got that opportunity, which was just fine by me) No need to engage in the tug of war with him.

D