Hello! Thanks for checking in on me! Everything is fine, I’ve just decided that I finally have to truly focus on myself. I haven’t been. I don’t know that I ever truly have.
I’ve been doing something about the pain. Seeing the doctors I need. My foot in improving a bit. Not 100% but I can walk much longer distances now. I got the new echelon bike which is the poor man’s peloton, but it’s wonderful and my new addiction and I use it every day. I’ve been on weight watchers and it’s been going well, it’s a slow lose, but a healthy lose. I’ve been spending time with some new friends at work and we go out and do something fun on the weekends. It’s been what my mental health has really needed. The loneliness and isolation was really really getting to me. I think D13 knew that too. When I got invited out with these friends the first time, it was her weekend with me and she really wanted me to go. She even felt I needed to get out and see friends and people . My kitchen floors and some painting got done yesterday. I’m super excited about that. I’m at my dads and haven’t see it yet, but I can’t wait.
I’ve also pretty much ditched social media. I check FB maybe once a day because I like to follow the group of the people who have my bike program. It’s a fun community and it keeps me motivated.
I was beginning to really see how comparison is the thief of joy. I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing so many “happy” couples and families on social media anymore. It just made me feel even more lonely. And I would spiral into “why is this the life meant for me? I don’t understand why my destiny was to be lonely” and in all honesty, my life has been a challenge since day 1. I always knew I would have challenges and have to work extra hard for things that come so easy to others. I accepted that. I just never imagined that I was supposed to be so alone and lonely in this world. I have been through the worst of things, but I never really thought I would have to through them so damn alone. I was watching a documentary about a woman dying of cancer. She was 37. Her and her husband loved eachother so much . She said “if I could have never gotten sick and lived to be old, but I would have had to do that alone and without my husband, I would chose being sick and dying with my great love rather than living forever never knowing him” that kicked me in the feels. I have had guilt about feeling that way myself.
However, I decided I am not wallowing in that anymore and I have just decided to live my life. I’ve been distracting myself nicely. I just need to not think about it.
In April I’m going to visit my friend in FL I haven’t seen since her wedding. It’s time. I miss her horribly and a few days away is much needed.
D13 is doing good, she seems to be having better less annoying teenager days. We are actively working on it together. I love that kid like crazy and I’m super proud of her.
That’s a little update. I hope everyone is doing well.
