Divorce and Acceptance part 5

[Pax_luv]

It’s late here and I just fired off a moody email to my attorney. Ehhhh... I probably shouldn’t have but I had to sit on a few things today and think them through and it kind of made me angry. I ended up stewing vs processing. I wasn’t unkind in the email... just expressed my disappointment. I wish I was more protected in this beanie issue. And I hate that I’m even saying that. Like how is this an actual issue???

Just like I know it’s not about the beanie for ex.... it’s about him feeling like he wins and has control, the same goes for me. It’s not about the $250. I wanted to put my foot down on this petty issue so he would go away and maybe not bother me anymore. Sadly....he gets his way and he knows that if he’s irritating enough, he’ll get his way in the future too.

The bulk of my case is over, it’s just the tying up of loose ends and I know my attorney is done with me. I think that’s why I’m not feeling as protected. Theoretically I shouldn’t even be needing him anymore but since ex turns everything legal.. I still gotta use him and pay $$$$.

Once upon a time I stumbled across a support group for people recovering from narcissistic abuse. Honestly, I think it’s time I look it up again. Maybe do some therapy too. I’m finding myself falling into similar thinking patterns based on experiences that I had with ex. (Not sure if that makes any sense.... but I find myself doing things and then being like pax, it’s ok if you did xxx or didn’t do xxx nobody is judging you- you’re ok.). An example, I’ve been dating the same guy for a while now and I recently moved to a new place with the bathroom attached to master bedroom. During the night, when he stays over, I get up and use the guest bathroom down the hall because I’m afraid that I’ll wake the guy. Why do I do this? Because my ex would get so mad if I accidentally woke him to go use the restroom and I never heard the end of it. <~. And it’s little behaviors like that, that I do all the time because of how I was “trained” with ex. I don’t want my new guy to be like “ugh I’m so done with pax, she’s pees in the middle of the night!!” Haha

And for the record, I actually shared that experience with the new guy and he was so sweet about it. I guess I had to cop to it sometime. I just keep waiting for him to come at me for leaving water drops in the sink. (Rolls eyes)