I have been keeping up with all of your stories but haven't felt comfortable posting in a while. I am a little concerned about privacy and H finding me here, which isn't what I want or need at the moment. But I have decided I really have nothing to hide, or to be ashamed of, so I can't let fear dictate the communities or networks I engage in. This space has been so hugely supportive of me and I am so grateful for all of you.
Our initial D settlement talks were exhausting. To the bone. I would end each session with barely any energy left whatsoever, but would fake it for the children. We both needed a break and to think things over, so we pressed pause for a few weeks. We did a couple of sweeps across the big issues and I think that we are more or less in agreement with the big things. The details/minutiae might be a little more challenging, but we will try and if we can't come to a good agreement then we will bring in outside support. So really nothing to lose except for the emotional energy, which will be expended no matter what.
I am doing great these days. In fact, my relationship status notwithstanding, I would say I am the happiest I have been in a long time. A huge part of that was H taking more equitable time with the children. I have never had 50/50, or even 90/10 parenting support in my entire motherhood and it is AMAZING. So much so that I wonder where we would be right now if I had better boundaries from the beginning about more equitable household/parenting support. I am able to be a 110% mother when I have the children, but I also have time for self-care, professional development and mental health support. I am more 'me' then I have been in years and years.
I am also feeling very detached from H. Verging on indifference, thought I am not there yet. His actions still rile me from time to time. This detachment has given me the space to see so, so clearly that this whole situation is not about me. It's about him, his FOO issues and his insecurities. I was pouring love, attention and spousal duty into a bottomless cup and that, combined with my nearly sole responsibility for the children, household and emotional labor was exhausting. In some ways he is right that maybe I wasn't happy during the last couple of years of our marriage. I was weary to the bone, serving as much as I could to him, while also subconsciously looking over my shoulder knowing deep down that his insecurities and need for outside validation could result in EA's or PA's.
No matter what I did or didn't do in our M, I know this much to be true: there are ethical ways to end a marriage and he decidedly chose to not take an ethical path. Instead I was literally and physically broken (cue Gerda's amazing post on the heart being ripped out of my chest, being forced to watch and then being forced to understand why H must do such things to me). No one should have to endure such torture and cruelty. And who knows? Maybe instead of me spending a year in fight or flight mode, we spent this past year in intensive therapy, and came to the amicable conclusion that I can't give him what he needs and he can't give me what I need?
At the moment, I find H mercurial and passive-agressive. He is really challenging to be around. I look at myself and see someone who is growing (trying to!) and happy. In his absence, I have been blossoming into the 'real' me. And in my absence, he too is turning into the 'real' him. But the real him presents to me (maybe not to others?) as insecure, unbalanced, and passive-aggressive. Was I compensating for these behaviors in our marriage? I saw some of this in the early days of our R, but was the more emotionally equipped of the two of us and would 'talk' it through. He credited me time and again for being the first person in his life to actually name his emotions, not let him walk away in anger, and work through hard things. Not my job anymore.
A friend who is going through a similar situation, only she has been struggling in her marriage for 30 years told me 'take it as a blessing that he is unwilling to drag the R out over another decade or two. You have been given a gift and you just don't know it yet, take it from me.' No one else in my life but her could have said that to me, and I didn't buy it at the time. But now I am slowly understanding.
Finally, some advice needed: how do I deal with the passive-agressive behavior? In our M, I would gently bring it to his attention and we would work to get to the bottom of his feelings. But that is clearly not my role at the moment. And going NC is not practical for children and D settlement talk reasons. Any suggestions?
