Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

So, been a couple weeks since my last update and thought I'd go ahead and post even though there isn't really much to report.

Steve-- thank you... and yes, it is hard-earned. And not altogether rock-solid. I feel secure and peaceful in that H is in this with me together. I'm not scared that AP is going to show back up again or anything like that. He has been spending some good time working on why he made the choices that he made beyond the "I was open to it because of the SSM," and thinking about the kinds of situations he put himself in that were really dumb, and linked to his own insecurities and need to be liked/desired. Positive stuff and not like there is any resolution, yet, or magic fix. But I do think promising.

Cardinal--thinking of you, my dear!! We have a red cardinal that's been bopping around lately (usually we only see the red-headed ones) and the girls named it "Reddy" and its mate "Set" (we are oh so creative here with names). Reddy was singing outside this morning and H was talking about how this particular cardinal's song totally puts him back into childhood, growing up and running around in his backyard with (apparently) tons of cardinals. While I thought of you Hope you are doing well.

I have a semi-final interview for this position on Sunday. It is a CEO position, a big job and a big step. The exec recruiter is someone I know decently well and I think he was surprised when I said I'd throw my hat in the ring. He said, you know, I've been bringing positions to you for the last couple of years, things I thought would interest you, and here we finally are-- what's changed? Why now? Partially, of course, I think my day-to-day was so overwhelmed with my M problems that I couldn't even imagine taking on a big work challenge. But also, maybe, having gone through this whole wringer, the things that would have stopped me before just aren't issues in the same way. And whereas before I think I was nervous to be in that bucks-stops-here role, maybe focusing more on the potential negatives, I'm really excited about the idea of being able to set the tone for an entire organization, to build a culture of trust and engagement and respect at work for everyone. Anyway, we will see. I still feel like if I'm the right fit, great, and if I'm not, that's okay too. I'm actually grateful to be excited about the idea itself, if that makes sense.

In my M, I am still feeling like we have the same goal in mind and I guess I would call it piecing. It is certainly not a straight line, though. I still feel angry towards him, sometimes, about all that he's done and I am probably still spending too much time and energy self-validating my own anger rather than acknowledging what is happening today and his efforts in piecing. He is really trying. That doesn't always make up for the hurt I still hold, though. And we certainly aren't like deeply in love all over again-- no sweeping me into his arms a la WF's H. it is all very very slow.

The humility I have finally seen also isn't like a constant theme underpinning his every action or word-- it is more like I got a good dose of it and then will see flashes here and there, mostly coming out when i get angry and he is sorry (though I know he is also frustrated in that he feels I'm letting the past poison the present).

For those of you with experience in this-- any thoughts? For whatever reason, my impression was that for the couples that make it, the former WS lives and breathes humility and remorse, like it should come across in every word and action that they're totally aware of what a jack@ss they have been and will continue to do whatever it might take to make it up to their spouse.

As I write that I think maybe that is not totally realistic. I think a big part of me wanted the fairy-tale reconciliation and to feel more in the driver's seat. This is less comfortable. Neither of us are in the driver's seat. It feels more like we are driving next to each other but not always at the same speed or on the exact same route. We're both trying and blundering and maybe making things worse some days and maybe better other days. And while I'm not scared of AP anymore, I used to think that once she was firmly out of the picture it would be smooth sailing. That the two of us could do absolutely anything we set our minds to and of course we'd get to blissful M2.0 in the end.

Now, I can't see the end of this story as clearly as I thought I could before. I simply don't know if M2.0 is out there for us. Or if the best we'll get is companionable we-do-fine but never really forge that emotional intimacy again. Flashes of M1.0 hit me, sometimes, where I feel resentful and act on it and we slide back into the M1.0 space of bickering and competition over who is right. I guess at least I can recognize it when it starts to happen, now. I think he can too, and he is better than I am at controlling his own behavior in these moments. But it is all too easy for me to sit in that space of anger and resentment-- some of the same triggers from before, plus of course the A-- and feel some of the same feelings towards him that led to the SSM in the first place. We can talk about it when it happens, at least, though, so that is positive. But it isn't fun.

I don't want it to come across like things are bad generally-- 80-90 percent of the time, things are positive. He goes out of his way to do nice things for me, he tells me he loves me, he makes eye contact and smiles, he touches my back or my side whenever he's near. But then something reminds me of the A and the anger returns. And while we are getting much better at dealing with these situations than we did a few months ago, again, it doesn't erase what happened. I feel like he wants to work on our R, and I want to root out all the hurt and anger of the A first.

Hmm, there ended up being a lot more to say than I thought! I would appreciate any thoughts especially from those of you who have walked this path before. We're looking into a new MC which I think will be helpful, I think we both feel ready for that step. His parents are coming next week for a couple of weeks also now that they're both vaccinated. Which could add a whole layer of tension between us, possibly. Or not. The last time they were here was that awful, awful time right after he told me the full story of the A and I was interviewing D attorneys and we started seeing the discernment counselor... so all of that gets stirred up a bit as well.

Anyway, sorry for the long post! Thinking of my friends here. The sun has finally come out after a couple days of rain and feels amazing. Happy Friday!