Hi Sandi! Apologies if I give the impression of hiding that, I never intended to. It happened as we were 20, she got really drunk and then spent moths trying to apologize but as I said I was not ready to listen. I thought it was a totally different thing because now we were 29 and had two kids and a family life that has nothing to do with the situation back when we were dating. Maybe is the way I perceive it, I am just trying to explain why I did not give it so much importance.
Okay Pack. I'm trying to understand. I still don't understand what you mean by being "together" for 10 years (five of those have been a MR), and your son was born a year before the M. So, you weren't in a committed relationship with her, until she got pregnant? It was nothing more than just dating? Had either of you expressed being in love (before she got drunk and was with OM)? B/c if there were no words of love exchanged and no "understanding" that it was an exclusive dating relationship, would she not have been free to see other guys? If it was nothing more than going out on dates like single people do..........I don't think it could be seen as her cheating. But regardless of what to call it, her actions that night were highly inappropriate, even if she was in no type of R or showed up at the party without a date! This one act showed how little she respected herself, and it showed how little she respect the guy who took her to the party (Pack). Obviously, you took her actions as cheating at the time. At the least, you thought you deserved someone better than this gal. She either saw it as cheating, also, or else she knew she had messed up big time..... enough to continue apologizing and trying to make up. Funny how you were able to let it go and put it in the past, but she felt bitter at you b/c she thought you were trying to pay her back.
I only have your side of the story, but I'll tell you how this sitch looks to me. I think you are the type of man who likes setting goals and working on yourself to be at the top of your game. I see your W as being self-centered and somewhat immature. She thinks she should have your undivided attention, which is impossible if you are going to provide for your family. Instead of taking responsibility for her failures, she blames everything on you. Therefore, she doesn't grow and develop into a better individual. She likes being a party girl, and maybe that's her little hidden secret.......that she has a bit of wild side that wants to come out. IDK, but rather than take responsibility and do something about her drinking, it's easier for her to blame someone else. A lot can be determined by a person when you look at the friends they hang out with, whether drunk or sober.
The tragedy in all of this (besides how it effects the kids) is that you have totally believed everything she said about you. She filled your head with so much negative talk about your failures as a H, and you bought into the lies. Recently, you have been able to see some personal growth and your posts are sounding better........and I think part of it is due to having NC with the person who is toxin. I notice you've said you are working on NC, so that makes me think you still struggle with it. Nobody said it would be easy, but once you realize you need some of the attitude of that 20 yr old guy, who saw himself deserving better than someone like her......won't you be able to let her go? That's your problem in a nutshell. You won't let her go. Instead of seeing her objectively, you see it as your personal failure. That is what I've read between the lines from day one. Based on how you like to be the best you can at whatever you do, it's very difficult for you to accept this type of "failure". I know all your arguments about kids, responsibilities, family, etc. I agree whenever there is a family, it's more serious and there are more responsibilities, than when you were younger and single. Most of your DBing was done with the idea if you worked hard enough and became good enough .......you could save the MR. I think you might agree it didn't work. As long as there is two people in relationship, there's always a chance that one of them will not cooperate, no matter how much you change for the better. Therefore, I think you have to look at the root cause for these problems. The root issue started before the marriage took place. Your W did not respect you before the M, and she doesn't respect you now. I don't really see that changing, b/c I think it is a problem in her. It's b/c of who & what she is as a person, and it would require work she wouldn't be willing to do.
You can't improve yourself as her H, b/c she's not going to let you be her H. However, you will always be a man, and a father. I think you are finally seeing this is true, and you are realizing you've got to build a life without her. Although it's still painful, you are getting stronger. In the beginning, you were probably told you can't fix her. I think you are closer to believing it today than when you first joined the board.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
