I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

Thanks for all the comments again! I don't worry too much about that but I was never the one to last too long and W was not very understanding. She would instead act upset. It created a kind of fear in me, I wanted to have way more sex but I felt like I was going to let her down. It is hard to explain, anyways, these exercises and keeping a healthier mind as you say will help me!

I understand you don't want to focus on bad things that happened in the past, but you should have initially told us she had cheated on you. It significantly changes the picture, IMHO. We spent many months viewing this as a WAW sitch!

All this time you have been obsessed with her (b/c she rejected you), and you couldn't understand why she would act the way she does. Why couldn't you have just been honest with us?

Hi Sandi! Apologies if I give the impression of hiding that, I never intended to. It happened as we were 20, she got really drunk and then spent moths trying to apologize but as I said I was not ready to listen. I thought it was a totally different thing because now we were 29 and had two kids and a family life that has nothing to do with the situation back when we were dating. Maybe is the way I perceive it, I am just trying to explain why I did not give it so much importance.

Could you explain why you feel this changes the picture? How something that happened so long ago impact this? Is she really not behaving like a WAW?

I have tried to give you all the truth but I just never went before us getting married. One day at home in Munich when we were in our domestic separation she told me she thought I had been paying her back for what happened that day. She said this full of bitterness.

That's exactly the way you should have handled it this time!

I know, but it does not feel the same when you are young and have no responsibilities to tell a GF, screw you I will not tolerate this behaviour, and to do the same with your W and the mother of your 2 children when you have a family and a life with them.

I have started to work very strongly on NC, I do not stop a second when we exchange the kids and I ignore her PM when she complains about me not being available every time she calls the kids (I just dont have my phone on me 100% of the time). I ask them to call her later or send her a voice note.

I am reading Holding on to your nuts and I am very focused on me now. I think a lot about how long it has been since this began. I can see many changes in me I want to keep as a man, but I am scared my mind will never be able to put a healthy end to this suffering I have inside. I cried this morning while having breakfast after I left the kids at school, I have been feeling very lonely lately but I try to use it as motivation to push me to be happy alone, single, divorced or whatever is it that I am now.

Thanks a lot for all your posts and support! It means a lot to me!
((hugs)) Pack