One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Hello friends. I've been down in the dumps the last few days. I think the confrontation just made me more sad but I am not really sure why. Maybe it's because I had been so good about keeping the focus on myself and the confrontation put him and his AP in my face again. Maybe it's just because I find anger exhausting. I'm not really sure.

Ah, the pursuer-distancer dynamic at work! Confusing, isn't it?

My main advice: DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. it is working. Both helping you to detach by not engaging with him and in letting him have a small dose of reality of what he is doing. But do not read into his behavior at all. Wall that off and continue to focus on you and what is best for you.

I hate the term "Plan B" but I do think there is a bit of the worry in him right now that he'll lose you. You've been his person now for a long time, and I'm sure there is some level of security in feeling that you don't want a D and will still be there for him in case this A fails.

It is confusing, but I figured it would occur, so it's not like I was surprised. He's actually made effort to text me at least once each day about little things. So far no contact yet today, but the day's not over yet. Ha! I do agree with what you say above May. And I hate the term "Plan B" too, but feel that's very true to where I stand at the moment, and it's not good enough. Even though I was a bit down in the dumps the last few days, I did do things for me, like take the entire day off from work yesterday to just walk on the beach. I definitely want him to feel like his Plan B is at risk and to feel less security, but I don't want to assume that's what he's feeling. He's had opportunity to change his actions, and so far he's not, so I just want to protect myself and move forward like he will never come back. I must assume that's what will happen.

Also-- there is zero logical reason to trust him right now. Here as well-- continue your path. He will show you with his actions if he may in the future be trustworthy again, but his recent behavior has shown he is not trustworthy. And I do not for one second feel sorry for him that he is now feeling a twinge of guilt. Yes, I'm sure it is not a fun experience to start to realize that your behaviors are perhaps not in alignment with what you thought were your values, since most people don't like to think of themselves as lying cheaters who steal from their wives. As I told my H many times-- if you don't want to be a liar, don't lie. If you don't want to be a cheater, don't cheat. (And now he is dealing with the extended consequences of this too... unfortunately, just stopping lying doesn't mean people will trust you immediately.) Even if your H becomes a trustworthy person, you will need to see a lot of consistent, trustworthy behavior before you can start to trust him again. That won't happen between now and signing your post-nup. So stay strong and continue your path.

I know it all $ucks. You didn't ask for this and you didn't deserve it. But you got this. You know you do.

I'm in total agreement. I'm moving forward with the Agreement and the D...no matter what he says or does in the short term. The process will take time anyway, so if I see that something is changing, I can take my time to see it and consider it. I don't trust a thing he's saying/doing and I don't trust he'll be fair to me. So I'm on guard for sure.

I agree with Kind that you sound very strong to be able to interact with him the way you are, and with May that staying the course you're on with the post-nuptials and divorce sounds smart--it protects you while revealing his doubts. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's shocking this can happen even to the best people. I believe in you as someone who will come out on top no matter what. ((Hugs))

Maybe I'm just sad as I'm passed the denial stage and I'm just sad and confused by how bad of a person he is right now. I don't know. I believed in him so much (as a person with integrity). I feel I wasted ten years of my life on a lie. Sort of makes me anxious to get it all over with so I can be free to move forward. I know I will be fine. I know I can make a future for myself and it will be a good one. But I'm still sad that the future I thought I had was snatched away from me in such a cruel and deceitful way. But, here we all are. I'm not alone, and that helps even though I'm angry and sad that any of us have to experience situations like this. Life is hard enough right? You'd think your chosen partners would be on your team.