Trying to do the right thing...

[DnJ]

Hello OC

First off, great update on the kiddos.

Very well done giving D20 the opportunity to open up to you. That will be a hug to cherish for a very long time, the first of many I suspect. We do lead our children, not make their choices, just lead them and inspire them is all.

I can fully understand (and support ) S18’s cheeseburger runs. Lol. It sounds like he is very eager and quite adapt with coding and animation. Good for him. Is he considering taking further studies?

I really like reading how S9 is handling things. Yes, kids are quite the troopers aren’t they? Finding ways to complete his homework is pretty telling of his level of conviction towards his obligations and pride of self. Again, you do lead their way, and they choose to follow.

It is pretty sad when Mom forgets the appointments with them. My XW missed our third boy’s birthday, flaked out on visits with the kids, and basically was a terrible Mom. She chose her happiness above all else.

Something interesting is that most MLCers do pick a favourite child. That fact brings with it, the MLCer also picks a least favourite kid. My poor S20, S17 at the time of BD, was the least favourite. That mantle was shifted among them somewhat but XW really did stick it to him the most.

My daughter was treated rather poorly as well, with XW seeing her more as a rival “girl”. Very strange and weird times. XW actually was stalking her, followed her around after school. She even confronted daughter (15 at the time) in the hallway, at school, between classes, in front of all her classmates.

It is nice to see you so busy working at home. The challenges with the boys wanting to see you, or have a snack, or tell you about their day - is perfect. What a blessing!

Good luck on the leadership role. It does sound pretty good. I will cross my fingers for you as well.

I like big updates and posts, so don’t sweat it. Most of my posts tend towards the multi-paragraph, multi-page, end of the spectrum.

To the question at hand:

You went dark and XW noticed. Ok.

As kml queried, what was the purpose for your 180? For going dark?

This week I started blocking her on all of the social media platforms I used to share pictures of the kids for the rest of the family to follow (I'm not connected to her on any of my personal accounts). I doubt she will even notice for a while.

I've considered going 180 again. It's the only thing I think I can do for my own sanity.

I just don't know what else to do.

XW noticed rather quickly, didn’t she?

OC, let go of her.

For your sanity.

I suspect you are not trying to punish her. Are wanting her to notice. Are wanting some peace. Are wanting to heal.

For me, way back when (lol), I went dark because people here suggested I do. Yes, I understood some of the reasons - well in truth I thought I understood but later discovered I really didn’t at the time. I took it on faith. I was in an emotional place I didn’t want to be in, and the wise and compassionate people here had good advice.

Still, everyone needs a certain level of understanding before they can let go.

Going dark is for you. It is used for one to get detached from the pain of their spouse and their behaviours. There is a withdrawal as one lets go of their spouse. That withdrawal is painful! The pull is incredibly addictive. Going dark keeps one from prolonging the withdrawal.

Being dark does not make one’s spouse want you more. Is not used to manipulate the MLCer’s path. It is not some trick to make them see the light. It is simply a tool for you to regain your power and stability.

I agree with kml, and believe your main purpose in your going dark is to limit your pain and suffering. You have been dragged around too long. Go dark and let go.

I blocked her on all social media channels and have not posted anything to our family group texts. She is used to me telling jokes, engaging, and sharing pics of the kids there. Or writing very specific, detailed texts to her when explaining myself for decisions I was making that she wanted to understand. So all of that came to a halt.

Good. Focus on you and the kids.

A little over a week ago she asked me how my weekend was and I simply wrote, "Good. All caught up on laundry." She just gave it a thumbs up and that was that.

That isn’t going dark. Maybe dim. Maybe.

XW is keeping you hooked, right where she wants you.

This morning she asked if there was any news on the job. I wrote, "not yet."

Another check.

Her response is telling: "Some days I get paragraph long texts now nothin. What’s with you?" Followed by another text minutes later saying, "It’s all good. Hope everything turns out the way you’d like. 👍🏻 "

Of course she questions what you are doing. It doesn’t fit with what she wants you to do.

I feel compelled to tell her something so that I don't come off as cold and uncaring.

How would you reply (if at all)?

Perfectly normal to feel compelled to respond to her. To tell her something. To not want to come off as the cold uncaring bad guy.

OC, feelings are fleeting! Feelings flit away when they are not reinforced. Feelings are very real, and very temporary. Do not make decisions based upon feelings. Look to logic and reason. And once you have your core values and beliefs dialled in, look to those.

Let go and let the feelings flit.

Your response for her inquiry into your weekend should be - nothing. Your response about news on your job - nothing. I’m guessing you probably see a pattern emerging here and could guess what you should respond to her latest inquiry of “what’s with you?”.

You need not respond. Go dark.

Bills and kids. Only. Those are the two topics for discussion.

Your weekend - your business not her’s. Your job opportunity - your business not her’s.

She divorced you. Is still seeing an OM. You cannot nice her back. You also cannot mean her back - in case you heard that somewhere. Basically, nothing you do can speed up her journey. But it can delay it.

Focus on you.

You are not the cold mean bad guy for not responding to her vacuous small talk. Seriously, if she wanted to really discuss something of importance you would know.

XW will probably not like you letting go and standing up on your own. She knows how much she had you dragged around. Remember, you are going dark for your sanity. That is how much an emotionally troubled and manipulative person can twist us around. And I know just how hard this is too see and believe. I really do.

OC, go dark. Unless it is about the kids there is really nothing you need to speak to her about. Money is all sorted out I would guess, and S9 is the only minor child with the others being adults.

As I said earlier, it takes a certain amount of understanding before one can let go. I hope my multi-paragraph post is helpful.

Place your attention upon your boys and their snack interruptions and wanting to talk about their lives. Keep inspiring your wonderful daughter and renewing the bond you two share. Live your life, greatly! Fully!

Stay the course.

D