One foot in front of the other

[may22]

Ah, the pursuer-distancer dynamic at work! Confusing, isn't it?

My main advice: DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. it is working. Both helping you to detach by not engaging with him and in letting him have a small dose of reality of what he is doing. But do not read into his behavior at all. Wall that off and continue to focus on you and what is best for you.

I hate the term "Plan B" but I do think there is a bit of the worry in him right now that he'll lose you. You've been his person now for a long time, and I'm sure there is some level of security in feeling that you don't want a D and will still be there for him in case this A fails. One of the problems in my sitch, I think, that dragged out limbo for so long was that I had been adamant that I was against a D because of the children-- something I'd communicated to him for months before I found DB. I made this so crystal clear to my H that even as I told him over and over if he left we would not be friends, I think a big part of him knew that as long as he didn't actually leave I would keep the door open. But it was the times when I was actually, authentically done, the first time pulling together financial records and the second time about to pick up the phone and call my mom to let her know what was going on, that he freaked out and started to backtrack big time.

One of the main rules of DBing is: do what works. I would continue your path. Do not let him distract you with his guilt or kindness or whatever mess is going on in his head.

Also-- there is zero logical reason to trust him right now. Here as well-- continue your path. He will show you with his actions if he may in the future be trustworthy again, but his recent behavior has shown he is not trustworthy. And I do not for one second feel sorry for him that he is now feeling a twinge of guilt. Yes, I'm sure it is not a fun experience to start to realize that your behaviors are perhaps not in alignment with what you thought were your values, since most people don't like to think of themselves as lying cheaters who steal from their wives. As I told my H many times-- if you don't want to be a liar, don't lie. If you don't want to be a cheater, don't cheat. (And now he is dealing with the extended consequences of this too... unfortunately, just stopping lying doesn't mean people will trust you immediately.) Even if your H becomes a trustworthy person, you will need to see a lot of consistent, trustworthy behavior before you can start to trust him again. That won't happen between now and signing your post-nup. So stay strong and continue your path.

I know it all $ucks. You didn't ask for this and you didn't deserve it. But you got this. You know you do.

xx May