I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[SteveLW]

Hey Pack, your wedding story really hit home for me, and brought back a memory. I'll go ahead and share because I think it makes an important point about attachment, boundaries, deal-breakers, etc.

In my mid-20s, I dated a lot of women. I was a very well employed bachelor, living on my own. I look back at those days as my "eligible bachelor" days and it literally drew women to me like a moth to a flame. I dated a lot, but didn't have Rs with many because, as I have stated multiple times on this forum, I was still hung-up on my ex-gf. by my mid-20s we had been doing the on-again, off-again dance for going on 15 years, but around this time I started to wake-up to the fact that she was keeping me hanging, making me her back-up plan, and that I couldn't trust anything she had to say.

(As an aside, it was about the time I met the girl for the story below that my ex called me one night and we had a 2 hour phone conversation about how her then bf was taking a job out of town, she wasn't going with him and she wanted to be with me. She was tenacious, not letting me off the phone, talking about how she missed kissing me and that she couldn't wait to be with me, etc. I hung up on cloud 9 thinking that it was finally going to happen, us getting back together this time for the long haul. Two weeks later she called me again. She was very coy, stuck to small talk. Finally I said, "so what happened to the job?" She said, "what job?" I said "The job X was taking out of town." Her: "Oh he turned that down." Coyness explained!)

So I had started dating just about every woman I came into contact with that I was attracted to. After years of not dating, waiting for my ex, I was ready to meet and date as many women as possible to make-up for lost time! Plus it kept me busy. It was pretty easy, I had been working out like a fiend when not at work, I was in the best shape of my life, I even had Brad Pitt abs! I met this younger woman (I was about 26, she was 21.) She was really cool. She had shorter hair than I generally liked, but she had the athletic build I was attracted to. I always preferred athletic, softball/volleyball and dancer body types. So she was cute and built like what I preferred. And she was one of the coolest women I ever met. Former athlete (she had torn up her knee ending her sports life), and loved watching sports. She was as knowledgeable about sports as any women I've ever met.

We went to the movies for our first date. The night ended with me dropping her off at home (she still lived with her parents), and we had a romantic kiss to part. Our second date she invited me to a Halloween party. I really liked her on our first date so I quickly accepted. The evening of the Halloween party she called me and said she understood if I didn't want to go since I wouldn't know anyone but her there. 1st red flag. I assured her that she was the only person I needed to know, and that I would enjoy being her date. She seemed to like that answer, but I should have seen it as a bigger sign in hindsight.

We got to the party early, we were the only ones there. She knew the people hosting it so it wasn't that big of a deal. Except, that she left me, still not really sure where she disappeared to, and so I was left hanging out in the basement where the party was at, with the guy hosting. It was awkward but we made small talk. 2nd red flag. By time the party started, the place was filling up. She had come back and was clinging to me, but she was also hitting the beer pretty hard. Being dry for several years now (and she knew I was a recovering alcoholic) I found the behavior odd, but chalked it up to her being 21. She also knew I wasn't much of a dancer, but apparently she loved to dance so she hit the dance floor with her friends and she seemed to be having a good time. There were several times where her and her friends hung out with me, and their respective dates, and the conversation seemed to be going well.

Then a song they loved came on and she hit the dance floor again. But this time she was dirty dancing with a guy that was on the dance floor. Red flag #3. Now I was starting to figure out how to make my exit. She had come with me, but she certainly had plenty of friends and we were only a few miles from her house. The dirty dancing with the other guy continued for several songs. And when it finally ended she came over to me and said she would be "right back". Her and dirty dancer partner then disappeared. Red flag #4. By then I was over it and really wanting to get out of there. It seemed like forever that she was gone, but in reality it was probably only about 30 minutes. I figured out later they had probably gone outside to smoke (something I discovered that night she did "when she was partying"), but who knows what else happened. At that point I no longer cared. When she finally reappeared she was apologetic, but I immediately said "I am going to get going." She looked a little sad, and I asked "Are you okay to get a ride home from someone?" She said that wouldn't be a problem. I said: "Great! Goodbye." She insisted on walking me out to my vehicle. When we got to the vehicle I said: "Have fun" and she tried to pull me in for another kiss. Knowing she disappeared with another guy and her smelling like alcohol and cigarettes, I was not really into a romantic kiss, so I gave her a quick peck, and jumped in my truck and got out of there. She was still standing on the sidewalk as I drove away, and she looked like she was regretful.

I never called her again. She called me one time about a week after that, and left a message on my answering machine. I deleted it and never looked back.

The point about all of this is that we get a lot of LBSs here that have stories like this about their WAS! I struggle a lot with that. I mean if they will do this kind of thing while you are dating, how do you think they won't do it to you after you've been married for a while? Red flags should not be smoothed over when dating someone. This was our second date. That is when the "on your best behavior" period is usually in full force. Luckily for me I stuck to my boundaries, and I stuck to a deal-breaker. For me that kind of behavior with another guy was unacceptable. Disappearing and doing who knows what was unacceptable. Obviously, I think she didn't want to be "tied down" at the party which is why she tried to get me to not go, after inviting me, but the fact she had the audacity to try to kiss me and to call me after all of that really made me shake my head. Why would I continue with a person that was going to behave that way so early on in a potential relationship? Let alone eventually marrying her? Not a chance.

Maybe she was just young, I don't know, but there was no chance I was ever going out with her again after that. Pack I know you said that you waited months before giving her another chance. But the fact that she never dealt with it properly seems like something you now look back and acknowledge was a huge red flag! Can I ask, did she continue to drink to the point of excess after that? Because frankly, if I were you, I would have worried every time that she got drunk she was going to go off and make out with another dude.

Sorry for the long post! But I really wish some of our non-married posters would read stories like this and realize that they've been given a gift of seeing who their SO is BEFORE they make a life-long commitment to them.