hi all! Thanks for all your comments! The week is going good with the kids at home. I am just going to give a brief update about W. We have no contact and I know she is seeing OM. This situation is just so painful and all that has happened over the last 1.5 years that I am really going to focus on myself now, I need it more than ever.
As we were dating on our 20s she got really drunk on a wedding she had invited me to and spent the night dancing with a guy who was onto her. I have never been the aggressive kind, I told her she was humiliating herself and hurting me and I moved out of the main celebration room. By the end of the night the guy dragged her behind some trees and they kissed just in time for me to see it and go in rage mode. I thought that would be the most painful experience I would have to go through in my life, how wrong I was. She showed remorse, did a lot of things to prove it, but I did not respond and I could not see her for many months because to me she was different in an instant. Eventually, I ended up choosing to give it a second try. She spent the rest of our relationship saying she was young and drunk and nothing major happened with that guy, this last thing is what always hurt me the most. It was a big deal, and she refused to agree to that.
Now to Pack, I am sorting all to have the bathroom refurbished by the end of this month. It is the last touch this house in Seville needs. I started reading "Holding on to your NUTS" and all I can say is that I love it. It is really making me wish I could find something like a better man group here in Spain to talk about all that I feel, for now this board is more than enough. I think a lot about my NUTS and specially liked to what is happening now with OM.
I start today with the motorbike license book and I will start doing tests. Cannot wait to jump on a bike and see how I handle it! hahahaah I am recovering slowly from COVID, when I go running I can keep up the pace but I only run half as long as I used to, this troubles me but I have read many people report similar changes for months.
I talked to my manager about starting to go more often to Madrid, she told me she would help me as much as possible but I need to wait until April for this. I have a lot of anxiety about this because I dont know how much and how they will be able to push to improve my conditions so that I can progressively spend more time in Madrid. The thing that keeps me calm is that she knows the sacrifices I have done for the kids and how isolated I feel here.
I met a woman I really liked on IG, after chatting for a week in a way I thought was really working I got a message form her that she had realized she did not want to meet anyone and wanted to leave things there and focus on her friends. Then she blocked me. I know this should not affect me, it just made me sad because it brings back those thoughts about something being wrong with me in Rs and me not being attractive and fun. Just something I wanted to share here.
I continue to have a great internal struggle between defending my boundaries wrt what W is doing right now and my deep desire to not live with a broken family and only being with the kids half the time. I am starting to force myself to think more about the former, in a way that I put first Pack, my worth as a man and my integrity. On some level it does not feel right but at the same time it helps me get confidence and strength back. How can I be the best Pack if I can only think about the past and I continue to blame myself for all that has happened? It is very sad W has chosen to act the way she has.
Originally Posted by LH19
Why do you think you were trying to live a life you couldn't afford?
I wanted to give the best to my kids and to her and to do it as soon as possible. Any unforeseen expense as changing the tires of the car would be a problem and then is the issue with all the traveling. We lived abroad but for weddings, holidays and special occasions we had to fly. All of that was on me and I was not strong enough to say now we need to talk because I need to save more and I am very stressed with this situation. Instead I saw myself as a failure if I had to do that.
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Pack I am not saying you are not ready to D. Only you know if you are ready. I just don't think you should D to date.
I am thinking a lot about my deadline, I think May, June seems fine. After all she has done, it should only represent signing a paper to me.
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So no truth to be selfish and arrogant?
I have confidence and self esteem and she has always had very low self esteem. I am not arrogant, but I would be watching a quizz on tv and give a wrong answer to a question and she would be all like "How can you answer so sure if you dont know it?" and I would say is just my guess for the answer. This is just one of many examples. Selfish? I did many things that led her to feel that way, for example I led our way to Germany following my career development when I should have sat down with her and ask her were she would be happy living. I am working to be a better man in this respect and understand the things I can control and how to cover my needs.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Now, I do believe people can be remorseful and really change. It i just that it tends to be a very small % of the population that can do this in meaningful ways.
I don't think W has the strength and motivation to do this. I have identified a couple of things in me I really want to work on changing forever. 1. Better control on the things I can influence and my feelings and 2. not chasing anyone who does not have great interest on me.
So Pack you say you have have a lot of confidence and self esteem but your actions say otherwise. Maybe something to address in IC.
