One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Hello, and thanks May.

You have such a healthy POV on all of this! I love the focus on yourself and the relationships that matter, rather than this person who is living in a fantasyland. He IS unable to hear or understand what it is you are saying or feeling, because if he let himself do this, it would really F with all the pretty pictures he's drawn of himself and his A. You are right in that he cannot hear you and there is no point in trying. I wouldn't worry about your response, though. It happened and you move on. Now you know how it feels, it was probably healthy to get some of that out regardless of how it impacted him (or not), and you know it is fruitless and you have better ways to spend your time and energy.

That being said, I also don't think it was necessarily a bad thing for him to get a little whiff of ... wait... we won't be BFFs when this is all over? It may or may not have any effect, but I seriously doubt it harmed anything for you.

Well I do agree that I think it did some 'good' in the sense that it is Fing with his fantasy. H popped over on the weekend and seemed a bit cautious of me, which is understandable as I was raging mad the last time we spoke. S18 was there, so I didn't make a fuss and was friendly and tried to act normal...whatever that is right now. Then today, during working hours, he pinged me about a question I really didn't have to be the one to answer. I responded, it is work stuff after all, and then he added some other color (trying to show support over a big change that affects me), and I responded but very little. Hell, he already knows what is going on and the impacts. Then he finished with something personal and I didn't respond.

Later tonight, he sends a message that he needs to stop over to switch vehicles and asks if S18 is home. I tell him no, and he asked if he can still come. I said it didn't matter to me, but found it odd that he wanted to bring up S18, and then not care if he sees him. He came over and I just kept doing what I was doing even though I said hello. He made effort to make small talk, again talking to me about some work stuff and some personal stuff. I asked again if he had reviewed the agreement. He said he hadn't and that he would tonight. He sent a message to me tonight that he's sorry for all the stress, that he will be fair to me and that he hates what is going on and he's crying about it. And I'm supposed to feel bad that he feels bad?

It's so confusing. And I'm trying not to read too much into it. I also stopped wearing my ring, and he probably noticed that too. Sorry? He hates this? He's definitely feeling guilt, but it's only probably because I've been turning my emotional back on him...so I am not being hopeful, and not responding to his message. What could I say anyway? Why should I help him feel better when he's been a lying, cheating, and taking money from me?

I spoke to a friend of his also this weekend...and he's pretty much done with him. He feels that his first M ended due to some of his characteristics and selfishness. That he had thought that it may have been more of the XW issues, but now realizes that she may have been driven to cheating from his selfishness. I really don't know if that is true, but I do wonder now what she must have gone through. Even if she is crazy. Really makes me wonder if my MR was doomed anyway, and that he is really flawed and this part of him always existed but was hidden from me. All kinds of things run through my head right now. I feel like I should get the D regardless, as I don't know what to think or believe, and if I can't trust him, I need to protect myself. He says he will be "fair to me", but how can you believe a someone who is a liar?

Anyway, now I am rambling. On a good note, I am going to be taking some courses to better understand financial investing and I'm continuing to put effort into myself and my career and my kids. I've been listening to podcasts, taking long baths and long walks. Also spent some time with my BFF on Saturday. So, other than the crap with H, it was a pretty nice weekend. I hope yours was too!