I find it very odd that you want anything to do with somebody who abused you.
Is it the "good" in you, or the fact you still hope for a R one day maybe ?
IDK - honest answer. Some days I really wish I could just be really angry... I mean really angry. I wonder if all of this would be easier if I was angry???
I've spent a great deal of time focusing on healing and just getting my emotions in check. It was important to me to find a place of calm and to make decisions from a calm place.
I truly feel that my STBXH is good 80%of the time but the other 20% is made up of bad coping skills where extreme lack of sleep and stress made them tremendously worse.
My STBXH is a war veteran - is this PTSD? Neither of us knew. However, he did know what he was doing to me was wrong. I know he opened up to a fellow veteran about one incident (though when I tried to talk about the road rage issues with this particular person my H got angry and shut down so clearly he was NOT ready to deal with all of his issues.) Part of the reason he left was that he was afraid he was going to hurt me at some point - he had so much bottled up anger. There were verbal threats of harm during the separation process - you could just see his anger but he kept his distance.
Yes - the road rage has been an issue for many years. So I don't want to gloss over it or sweep it under the rug and I've had some indication that perhaps there was another incident not to long ago which is how he dented the front end of the truck grill.
My goal has always been to take the high road.
My STBXH was at my office a few weeks ago picking up the puppy post surgery. We were doing things in getting the dog ready for the road including doing a spot bath. My employer made a comment the next week about how well we seemed to be getting along. My response "I could continue to be angry at him but what would that solve? How does that help me?".
Do I want to R with a man who bought a home and supported OW and her adult daughters??? YUCK. But, when I think back to the man I married... yeah I still like that guy... a lot.
So IDK. Honest answer. I'm just trying to live my life in a manner that makes me feel good and happy with who I am.
