She's OUT! #7

[BL42]

Mumin,

I've been meaning to comment recently but things have been hectic with kids/work/covid...etc.

First off, congratulations on her moving out! I mean that. We both came here not wanting our Ws to move out or to get a divorce, but we couldn't/can't control it. The 4-5 months of IHS separation in my sitch was awful. Constantly worrying about OM and walking on eggs shells. Once W moved out it gave a big sense of release, freedom, and ability to detach. I imagine you're experiencing the same now, so make the most of it.

This morning I re-read your entire sitch (all 7 threads), and two things stood out way back at the beginning that were maybe glossed over a bit in the discussion...

• Married Name - Unless I misunderstood, you took your W's last name when you married? Can you explain that in more detail? It's more common than it used to for the woman to keep her own name rather than taking the man's. Even that would bother me a bit personally because it's a social convention they're bucking against me (why if they're "all in" wouldn't they want to embrace it?). But, maybe that's just the times. However, rarely hear about a man doing a complete 180 and taking the woman's name. Perhaps I'm making more of it than there is, but I wonder what the thought process was there.
• Sitch Prior to Marriage - You live together 12 years and had two children yet only got married a year and a half ago, and only after you already had a "mini-BD" and suspected OM. Why is it you waited ten years and after two children to get married? That length of relationship and the two kids being a big influence would usually (for better or worse) dictate a marriage before then.

Anyway, these two items stuck out to me and makes me wonder how the first 10 years were. Were there problems and red flags before the last two years? I don't mean to be harsh, but wonder if you've now reflected and see things differently than you did a year and a half ago.

I think LH19's comment was spot on...

You should have never gotten married. You married a woman who was and still is in an active affair. Not having sex 6 months prior to your marriage is a serious red flag that will be unacceptable to you moving forward. Right now your W is unsure where she stands with the new guy and that is why she went through with the marriage because he is unwilling to commit. If he was he would have talked her out of getting married. Right now she has no respect for you mostly because you are willing to share her with another man. If you are doing this she will never be able to feel safe with you.

Things you need to stop immediately. Stop making appointments for MC. If there is another appointment ever made again it will be by her. No more leaving your house. That is your castle and you will not spend another night in that shitty apartment. She can live and stay wherever she wants and it doesn't effect you in anyway. Stop playing computer games. It is unproductive and unattractive for a 30 year old man.

Every move you make needs to be made from a place of strength. Take the focus off you W and place it on you and your children. If you do this your w will notice and possibly rethink her decisions.

Anyway, congrats again on your new-found freedom. Sounds like you're doing great with the kids and a lot of work on itself. You and I each have 2 kids of similar age and going through similar sitches, so I wish the best for both of us!