[Eagle3]

Back with my kids today, back to my own home, after a nerve-racking week.
However, I am convinced that I made the best decision.

The children are genuinely happy that I am back and that they can leave that week behind. It was not always easy for them. The first night I already got messages from my kids stating he had drunk enough and started crying with them, constantly saying that he felt like he was abandoning them, which they actually confirmed. S16 has also been pretty honest with him. About the fact that he is not the same daddy anymore, that he is never around, that he hurt us a lot, he even talked about OW1 and how he felt about it. STBXH reacted defensive a few times if the wording did not suit him.

The weekend was quiet. He kept himself well with them for 2 to 3 days. From day 3 the anger / laziness reappeared. S16 got up to 5 last-minute messages to get the groceries, just as he was almost home when he left school. Then also easily angry if they were a bit too active. Drinking every night, luckily not until he was completely drunk.

One evening, however, it did escalate, in which case he called me and I got the blame again, now it was about my mother, that she never liked him (totally not true) and that for this reason he would not show goodwill as a result if we got divorced. I then immediately jumped to that topic and asked what he had already arranged for the divorce this week (was the reason he was here he had told me before), and he said he was not here for that reason but for the kids . But if I wanted to arrange that I had to come over. I guess he didn’t expect me to say, ok, I will be there first thing tomorrow morning.

And I did. The conversation was hallucinatory. Cold, without emotion, just prentending he was working on his PC. I stayed as businesslike as possible and also behaved as good as possible (friendly and calm) and went through the checklist I had through the notary to tick off all the points. Everything was arranged within 1.5 hours, subject to many reproaches that I was a lucky person to receive all of that (simply the things I have the right to have??)

The most important points are that I have full custody, he has not been difficult at all about this and that he will start paying alimony from 01/03. The house will be sold and will be divided 50/50.
Furthermore, he would come every 6 weeks for 1 week, no longer in the current home (definitely because he cannot cope with the care of the 3 children).

So the draft has been made. I will now do the necessary to arrange everything with the notary. He will come back to sign in 6 weeks. I hope we can handle this then because I have reached the point where this is really necessary now.

After this conversation, he immediately jumped into his car, he still had to go somewhere...(running behavior?)

At the beginning of the week I received messages up to 4 times where he asked if I did not want to come over for dinner. (This was before the making of the draft) I went once, purely because I wanted to see the children. I didn't stay long either. The other times I declined and said I had other plans.

From what I understand he is incredibly fanatic about sports. He is training for a triathlon. The depression seems much less present now. So again back to heavy replay behavior. I find it so incredibly strange he had made progress a few months ago and that he is now back in full replay phase.

He has again seen all the people he has had some contact with. All very short, max. 1 to 2 hours. And then he apparently keeps up appearances. His mother is the only one he has invited over for dinner. He did not contact his father at all. Actually a copy paste of the first year after BD.

The wardrobes are a bit emptier again. He has taken more clothes and sports equipment which he has not used for years.

As for my feeling, I am proud of myself that I managed to take the lead to get the business side done. I am fully convinced that we need to finalize the divorce in order to have control of my own life again (definitely financially). I also do this because from what I read in several threads, that the sooner you arrange this, the better you get it finalized in a proper way since they still feel guilt in a certain way.

However, every time I see him I yet again have that double feeling. This is not the man I fell in love with so it could not be so difficult to let him go, but at the same time I still have that urge to be there for him, because you can see that he is in internal pain. Why always that double, gnawing feeling that I just can't get rid of.