This is the first time I have entertained the idea that his separateness from what happened could have been influenced by the last 6 years with me. It is also the first time that I am strong enough to accept that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he really did love her, want to be with her and maybe he came back to me because I made it so hard for him to stay away. He disagrees. And I don't know. I may never know. But I am finally okay thinking about it all without feeling sad or unsteady. So for me this is progress.
Blu
So in my readings - and I've done a lot!!! I'm also on another support board.
In regards to your H, he most likely did "love" her in a way at THAT time. I think the technical term is limerance. In his brokenness there was something missing in his relationship with you at the time that was filled temporarily by this other person. This person is only filling a specific need... not multiple ones that you had been doing as his spouse. It looks and feels like rainbows and unicorns because this one aspect which has been left unfulfilled is just amazing and they equate the amazing feeling to this person and all aspects (but that later proves fatal as they cannot maintain this state in real life). At some point the limerance wears out and then true guilt, anger and remorse set in. Often times the WS looks back in hindsight and truly questions their own decisions to be with that person at the time.
A book I read PRIOR to getting married was How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. Its definitely insightful as to how affairs begin and often why.
Also a book called Rebuilding is very helpful. It is geared to get someone who is divorced or on the path to D towards understanding and healing. But, what is in the book is very helpful. Many times these books are saying the same thing over and over again. However, it really delves into why relationships fail and the reasons we marry. The terms Over-responsible partner and Under-responsible partner really resonated deep with me. Now, I was already working on these aspects of myself prior to this book but it put it in more relatable terms for me that clicked. The book also goes over "rebellion" and how many relationships could survive if the other spouse new what was happening and had an understanding of the process while it was occurring. It helps you look at your prior M and the roles you each played and how they were influenced by your own parents M - once you recognize these things you can make changes into M2.0. I like the fact that this book unlike many out there had no religious component.
The book Love and Respect essentially says some very basic skills in what works in an M. It has a very strong religious component which was hard for me but the basic principles still stand. It is overly simplified but it can be a good starting place on where to improve how you relate to your spouse and in changing your ways of relating it has a magic effect of over time changing their ways of relating to you.
The bottom line is Blu AND May your H came out of the fog and chose you and the M. That was a terrible painful time in both of your lives and May even harder as your H had a lot of back and forth (which is normal from what I've read). May with more time your H will come to do an eye roll as well when this is brought up in a few years down the road. Neither of your H's will recognize who that person was back then - it will be like they were in a fog.
Nothing will ever erase what happened in your M. But, I'm a firm believer that with the right tools... time, space and true work on understanding of you and your partner that a better marriage can take place. That a deeper appreciation and deeper true unconditional love (a stage that many couples never reach) can happen. The Art of Love by Dr Beam is a great book that explains the love path.
It took you both a lot of courage to post your journey. The ups/downs. How you were feeling emotionally. The setbacks. The self care. Your own mood swings and desires in the M.
May you are on a strong path to a M where you can look back in 5yr and see how much you grew as a person, how much stronger you are, what your responsibilities to your M are and to yourself, and what an amazing role model you are for your daughters. It will never make the A go away but I think with more time and hindsight you can appreciate your journey much better and in 5yr your H will have so much more respect for you how you held it together during a time in his life where he didn't really recognize who he was.
Ugh... sorry for the verbal diarrhea... I think you both are strong women.
