I am not sure how to define "sugarcoat." My mindset 6-7 years ago was different. I think in order for me to take my H back, I had a narrative that I needed to believe in order to accept what he had done. The damage was too great. I needed to believe that it was a mistake and that he didn't love her. It felt too painful that he could just pick up and leave our family for this OW and was in love with her only to turn around a year later and change his mind again. I was so overwhelmed, heart broken and humiliated to even think about it logically. And, none of it was really logical. So whatever he told me that reinforced my narrative -- that it was all a big mistake that he regretted -- I clung to. I heard what I wanted to hear in order to feel safe. I also realize now that he was protecting me by not sharing details that would hurt me further. Our first couple years of reconciling were so rocky, emotional and confusing. It was hard to do the real work of piecing because I was so easily emotionally triggered. I remember driving down the street on a normal day and feeling a random onset of doom, sadness and confusion. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to learn to talk myself out of this and remind myself that I was safe. The trauma was legit.
My H didn't have a couple flings, EAs or just tell me he wanted D. He had a full on relationship with someone else for a long time and left our marriage, home and family. I don't know how many sane people would take someone back after that. I think in some ways I became insane just trying to make sense of it and navigating the changes. I also was grieving the loss of a parent and child, so I was vulnerable. So after he came back and we had these discussions, I think he was walking on eggshells to protect me. At times I would lash out, completely withdraw or ask the same questions repeatedly. I just couldn't make sense of what had happened. I also developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that I have had to work on. As I dealt with the trauma and as conversations got repeated over the years, I realized that his perspective shifted and further matched mine.
I don't know how much his perspective shifting is because I have convinced him and persuaded him. I also think that the longer times goes by and he is detached from what happened his own beliefs have shifted. And what I am wondering now is if that even matters? ... For instance, her name came up in reference to something a few weeks ago and I saw him roll his eyes, gasp and say under his breath "she's crazy." I don't think he said that to put on a front, as it appeared to be a natural reaction and I wasn't looking for one. What I do wonder, is if he has come to believe that about her because of our conversations over those years or because he has separated himself so much from what happened that he can see the past more clearly now. He has also said that he does not believe he was in love with her, that he doubted his decision to leave me for her the entire time and that it always felt wrong. He will also say that he thinks she lied to him all along and he didn't know what to believe.
This is the first time I have entertained the idea that his separateness from what happened could have been influenced by the last 6 years with me. It is also the first time that I am strong enough to accept that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he really did love her, want to be with her and maybe he came back to me because I made it so hard for him to stay away. He disagrees. And I don't know. I may never know. But I am finally okay thinking about it all without feeling sad or unsteady. So for me this is progress.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
