Hey Pack, this is my first time posting in someone else's thread. I'm dealing with my own sitch, and while there are some similarities, I thought I would take a minute to post a quick thought. (again.. I'm just a guy, take this with a grain of salt)
It looks like you have a desired outcome in your mind and are basing your thoughts and plans around that. The problem, as I'm coming to accept, is that an M in flux (like yours, and also mine) doesn't care about our thoughts or plans.
The following is based on concepts from a book I read. I've been "gently" reminded about forum rules on sharing titles/authors, so without attributing this.. just understand that these are not necessarily my original thoughts:
I recently read that one of the first steps in overcoming betrayal is forgiveness. What I didn't consider, is that forgiveness has a price. It always does and always will. Our natural expectation is for the other person to pay that price. In my case, I want my wife to be remorseful and show love and affection. That would be the price for my forgiveness. However, she's not willing to pay that, so unless I pick up the tab, she owns my mind. I'm looking for ways to validate actions or signs that she's getting ready to settle up "what's owed". I keep thinking about her words and actions and whether or not they meet the criteria.
The problem here is that she is not in a place mentally where she feels the need to pay that bill. Why? It doesn't really matter. I thought it did. The truth is, she could be in an MLC, a WAW, or just be a terrible person who I never really knew. I like to think I have an idea of which truth is valid here, but there's a likelihood that its none of these or all of them. The fact is, my forgiveness has a price tag and if I want to provide it for her, then that price tag is different. It means part of me has to die. That sounds very dramatic. It is. You have to figure out, what you can kill off inside you that makes this acceptable. If it's romantic feelings towards your W, or the idea of saving your M, or maybe it's your own dignity? Maybe it's something temporary, like your communications with her or plans you might've had.
For me, I have to kill off my anger towards a PA. I have to kill off my expectations. I have to kill off a lack of trust. Man, I need a lot of ammo. This is getting to be an extensive list!
Hold the phone, these are all thoughts. They are all based on my thoughts. They are based on my feelings. So, I can't kill these until I understand how that works.
As we think, we are. It's pretty simple, but when you find yourself thinking about anything in your hit list, you need to change the subject. Skip to another track. For me, going for a run, doing chores, dialing in on some school work, spending time with the kids, etc. are all effective ways for me to change lanes. If you find yourself brooding, or dwelling on what-if, these are groveling thoughts. Thoughts that serve no purpose other than to destroy you from the inside. You can't suffer yourself into a saved marriage. You can't elevate yourself to being a better man while under the weight of all that darkness. Turn your thoughts to productive and good things and your outcome will change. Remember though, that manipulating your W into choosing you, is not a good thing. Having temporary relationships that are only designed to bring you pleasure, is also not good in a wholesome sense. They may be temporarily fulfilling, but in the end, you will be alone again.
Keep working on yourself. Re-define your motivation. Figure out what your driving factor is. It can't be your W or M. It needs to be something that will be implacable. A beacon to help you find your way. You have to be the best "you" so that this M or a future R can be healthy but also, so your life can be healthy.
Best of luck Pack, I really wish you all the best.
