Hi dear Cardinal, how lovely to read your sweet voice here lately. I empathize so much with your thoughts and experiences and am sending lots of hugs.
Originally Posted by cardinal
And the other thing is that losing all financial security I thought I had with BD and having to find a way to support myself in this place has made me very, very wary of moving, because it means an even crazier amount of money spent on rent and less of the already tiny amount I'd be able to save if stayed here on my own. I also appreciate that I can build up my emergency fund while still living with H. If I lived in a different place and could easily move to any number of other similar houses for the same rent, would I? I want to say I would have done this by now.
What could/should I actually do, short of moving out? What action should I be taking vs. what is just an illusion of action? What is leaving him to deal with the choices he's made on his own versus not doing enough to take control of my life?
One thing that we see in these MLC/WAW/WAS's is clear cognitive dissonance. Which is often viewed as a detriment to a whole human; but is in its fundamental origins cognitive dissonance is a survival mechanism. What if we were able to shift it a little and use it to our benefit, maybe not complete cognitive dissonance, but a more evolved cousin to it... such that in your case you are able to say "this is an interesting situation I find myself in. I am not really in a R with this person and also maybe not just in a roommate situation either, due to our past. But we are living together at the moment and for the time being it is beneficial for me; there is more good than harm so I am OK continuing in this space." (Obviously this only works if it is true. I do not advocate for staying in an abusive situation or even a situation where you are walking on eggshells or being treated poorly or in any circumstance where the emotional or psychological toll is too much.)
I love the Rilke quote that says:
“Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
Maybe right now, this situation serves you. Maybe you don't need all the answers ('when will H actualize the D? When will I have to move? Will I have to move? What is he thinking? I am participating in his alternate universe? If so, should I be?).
My son said to me at dinner last night, 'Mama, is the saying true that all good things come to an end?' I had to stop for a minute. He is very existential and at the same time very literal; I did not want to give him a binary answer and have that be 'The Truth' for the rest of his childhood. And the answer that came to me is that rather than thinking of it as 'all good things come to an end,' it might make more sense to think of 'everything is constantly changing.'
And if we look at life through that lens, we release expectations (because everything is going to change anyway) and gain freedom to live as intently as we can for that moment, nothing more and nothing less.
Happy Friday Cardi, I hope you have a relaxing weekend that includes admiring blooming daffodils in your garden. xxx
