Over the last few days, I've hit a phase that is a little different. I've stopped blaming myself, but I'm also irate. I've intentionally been out of contact the last 3 days. Today I broke that because I needed info from her to file our taxes. She pointed out that she hasn't heard from me. I told her I'm angry and don't know if it will pass.
The thing that has been sticking in my mind today is that she could have retired. She wouldn't have to be at sea. She claimed that she was extending to try to pick up Chief (which I think may have been true at the time). She put no energy into that and all of it into this affair. The fact that the entire time I thought she was working so hard at trying to advance is stinging. I was pushing really hard during that time at the skills I was trying to develop to chase my dream job. When I started that, she seemed on board. I was pouring 300% into it and assuming that her long hours were her doing the same. I had been so angry I couldn't sleep.
Anyway, enough of that. I have had a crazy busy week. Being productive has helped me focus on other things. I've read a book and started another. They have been very helpful at not only stopping the negative thoughts and anger but also understanding why I am hung up on this. The negativity and bitterness are only going to beat me down. The anger and resentment will turn me into someone I have no intentions of being. One of the profound things I read, says that forgiveness has a cost. When you expect the other person to pay it, they have control over you. If you pick up the tab, you have to pay the price. Forgiveness is never free. I'm still processing some of this, but it's helping me to get out of my head and focus on the positive.
Anyway, I filed our taxes, took care of a lot of things, scheduled my classes, and got a 91 on a major test in the class I am in. Took care of the house and other general adulting to remind me that life is still here.
