Thinking about you participating in this alternative reality with him...I wonder a bit what DnJ would say to this.
Hi, may! Me too--I have been wondering what DnJ would say.
Originally Posted by may22
I would attend to those little feelings you have. They're worth listening to. And the last thing you want is to get to a place where that negative energy starts to build up and spill into the gratitude and self-compassion you've been cultivating.
I haven't been feeling much resentment or anger lately. When I do, it's fleeting. It wasn't until IC suggested in some ways I was participating in this same pattern with H that I started to feel more uncomfortable. Isn't my whole journey, well, part of it, about learning to change the patterns I don't want to have in my life anymore? Up until she said that, I've been for the most part okay with feeling like I'm living my own life while H is living his, which just happens to include us living in the same house and H's prolonged inaction on our D, apparently. Last night I was thinking that if H and I were in a relationship, we would be repeating a pattern of communicating on one level and not communicating on another, but one difference is that we're not in a relationship anymore, right? So am I participating in this pattern or in his reality, or am I merely inhabiting a corner of it simply because we live in the same house? Like if we were a Venn diagram, I overlap his circle, but I don't create the stuff in his circle.
Or by not continuously acknowledging to him that it's weird to go weeks living like friendly roommates while this unresolved D hangs in the background, am I hiding from reality too? Am I reinforcing his reality?
I'm resisting this in part because I just don't see it as my responsibility anymore. If we were in a relationship, I would need to do my part to change things, but we aren't. I'm tired, and I don't want to put any more effort into this D than I have to. I gathered all my financial information, now let him do some work.
The other part of all this is realizing that it's halfway pleasant to interact with him on this friendlier level. I've missed that. It does seem like after he filed for an annulment and then, a couple months later, talked to me about regretting that, a layer of the anger and resentment he was directing toward me has dissolved. I could be wrong; and it could come back, but there does seem to be an ongoing effort on his part to connect to me on a human level that wasn't there before. And, okay, he's started making croissants and giving me my own stash, and they're really good. Ha.
That part should be separate from any decision making I do, separate from the intellectual car, but I do acknowledge that it is there.
Originally Posted by may22
I guess a little part of me does suspect that the last couple of lines I pulled are connected to the house... maybe part of the reason you are so attached to it and cannot envision finding another workable living solution is indeed because you aren't ready, or don't think you are ready, to have him completely gone from your life.
This is part of the question, right? How much of my behavior is actually driven by this? I do feel like it's a layer but not the main driver. But what if I'm wrong?
And the other thing is that losing all financial security I thought I had with BD and having to find a way to support myself in this place has made me very, very wary of moving, because it means an even crazier amount of money spent on rent and less of the already tiny amount I'd be able to save if stayed here on my own. I also appreciate that I can build up my emergency fund while still living with H. If I lived in a different place and could easily move to any number of other similar houses for the same rent, would I? I want to say I would have done this by now.
What could/should I actually do, short of moving out? What action should I be taking vs. what is just an illusion of action? What is leaving him to deal with the choices he's made on his own versus not doing enough to take control of my life?
I guess a first step would be checking in with my L to see what happens next if he continues to not do anything. Every time I think about emailing her I just see dollar signs!