New M, new WAW

[Traveler]

The big issue with us: I'm bad with sex and affection. I like it and never reject my W, but I'm poor at initiating both sexual and non-sexual affection. It's just not how I show love, I'm more of an acts of service and quality time person, but it is what she needs. This has been a problem here and there throughout the M.

Hi Mako,

Sounds normal. Your natural love languages aren't a perfect match, which requires effort on her part to remind you what she needs, and effort on your part to remember what she needs.

I improve for a while, then I backslide,

This sounds more like "acting how she wanted" for awhile than an improved mako per se.

she gets resentful and goes cold and distant,

Stonewalling. This kills relationships.

Early 2018 we had a big fight. She says during this she wants a D.

Oh no! This is an easy 180, one I'm surprised you didn't learn your first time here--stop fighting. You 100% control whether you get into fights. It sounds like you were headed here even before the fight, though.

. This was always planned so nothing weird here, but she worked a ton. Like by Fall 2019 I am basically a single parent much of the week as she’s gone all the time. I have no reason to believe there was an OM, she said the other day there was not and she just did this to stay away from the failing M.

I think you missed a boundary here that would have been helpful, here. Walking away from you shouldn't have meant she also got to walk away carefree from her responsibilities to the children.

Fall 2019 we have a huge fight about this stuff. I had built up a lot of resentment that she was never home anymore

This sounds like your biggest goof so far--tolerating a situation you disliked, building up resentment towards her, and then fighting. Both partners are usually responsible for a failing relationship.

The fight doesn’t go well

Unless it ends in make-up sex, do fights ever go well?!

she tells me she wants me to move out of the bedroom to a spare room. I say no, if she wants to leave she can. She does not.

Well done!

I decide to be nicer. We go on some dates, which we hadn't done in forever. I feel like some progress was made over the first few months of 2020.

Yay!

I write her a letter about how I feel about her and the things I’d like out of our MR. We have done this from time to time in the past and me expressing my feelings and needs is a big 180. we slide easily back into the rut of being basically roommates.

I get it. Your wife's commitment was low enough she wasn't willing to put in the effort but was willing to try as long as you did, and then you stopped trying when it didn't move quickly enough. Maybe it would have worked out if she were more receptive or you tried longer, maybe it would have ended this way either way.

I work on myself, always try to be a good dad, improve diet and exercise, rekindle some hobbies I’d dropped. Other than the M I am pretty good with how life is at this point.

There are obvious positives to this!

Last week she told me she wanted a D. I was not all that surprised after the past few months. She accepts that we are both to blame, but doesn’t really want to talk about it much, she already accepted the death of the M and won’t go to MC.

Sounds.. reasonable? It's been 3 years since she first asked? I wouldn't be surprised if between the workaholic hours and the hours in her bedroom on her phone she's started or about to start an EA.

I didn’t beg or plead or any of that kind of stuff other than asking if she would try MC, tried to be as validating as possible.

It sounds like you handled the conversation well.

I guess I didn’t learn anything after all?

This seems patently untrue. Learning from one failed relationship isn't a panacea. I will be a better partner in my next relationship. You and I will never be perfect partners!

Mako, I'm sorry you're here. I don't see anything in the above painting your wife as evil or you as a fool. I hope you continue to write about your journey here. You already know the relevant links.