The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Get together with your friends - the guys. Spend some time healing and really learning from your whole sitch.
Another woman is not what you need.
One of my good friends who I used to play poker with has described me as being on tilt. In poker, when you get emotional after losing a hand they call that Tilt. Its when you stop thinking, start reacting, and begin to make bad emotional decisions. Sometimes it works out, but more often than not you get busted. Which means you lose everything.
Its weird. I'm in a very different place. I don't think about the X much at all. I am no longer pining for her at all. But I am feeling a pull to date other women - I think it is about validation, restoring confidence, companionship, and proving to myself that I'll be all right.
The WAS destroys a person, my WAS destroyed me.
She had an affair and that pain of rejection and betrayal was severe. But I took her back. We went to counseling together and for the next three years she told me everything that was wrong with me, while I simply took her for who she was and accepted her. As I worked to improve myself, she would say she wanted a separation or divorce and any stumble I made or even when I did nothing wrong but she just didn't like something I did, she would use that against me.
As the counselors and her pushed me to share my feelings or to be vulnerable, my WAS would weaponize that against me.
And it didn't all start with the affair, there were things going on before that which had paved the path to break me down.
Unfortunately I can get validation of my value and worth from other women. I haven't had that in 15 years and it feels really good. I should follow the advice of my friends here and I think I can, but the pull the other way is significant and I'm going to fail along the way. I agree that I should probably stop avoiding the situation or something, but I don't know. This is my path to recovery maybe.
As I'm on Tilt, I just need to make good enough decisions that I don't blow myself up.
