I don't really know if anyone figured it out before the actual split. I actually cut off contact with almost all of her family, with all of her friends, and with several mutual friends immediately after the split. And I dropped off their social media too. I was pretty committed to the walk away and never look back approach. That seemed like a necessary part of it and of my own healing. But I don't miss many of those folks. A few of them reached out to maintain the friendship afterward, but most didn't and that's fine. The only person I ever missed was her and that fades over time.
I don't think the kids knew. I think she's committed to the storyline of meeting OM after the split and quickly falling in love with her soulmate. I've let her repeat that narrative without challenge. It seems it is in the kids' best interests to have that fairy tale out there, although I'm not sure if people really believe it given how quickly things happened. I'm not interested in learning the details of how it happened or how she kept it a secret. The R is completely dead and it won't help me. But even if I were interested in finding out, the only people I am still connected to that are part of her new life are my children and I am not going to discuss it with them. So, I'll live the rest of my life in the dark about that. I've also never spoken an ill word about her to anyone and I am proud of that.
The one upside of the ultimatum is that it is a pretty quick and pretty final split. It gives you plenty of time to work on you and focus on healing you. So, I'm a big proponent of it for that reason. After all, I'm a year out and I am totally fine with getting a D when it happens. Of course, I was completely misguided about my prospects of success. On the marriage saving front, it might have been one of the worst ways to approach things. Still, looking back at BD and going forward, I don't have any regrets and I am glad to have heeded the vets' advice. Sometimes, the only thing left to do in your marriage is to end it with dignity and poise. Even my STBXW has said that I have done that and that she's been very impressed with how I've changed and grown. Other people have said that too.
As far as an update goes, there's nothing to report. We live separate lives and are building our futures without any plans for the other. But there's been no progress towards actually getting the D and all that stands in the way is her signature. Still, she lingers for whatever reason.
Spiral
I could have written this. My path was hard at first, but it allowed me to detach faster than most. The big difference is our situations was that I was divorced about 3 months after BD. In hindsight I think my XW was in a hurry because she had something else lined up and wanted to maintain the facade of not cheating on me. It is what it is. My daughters will certainly never hear my version of what I think happened. It would do them no good.
