One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Oh boy. I'm shaking. My H came by earlier to swap vehicles and when I went to go shopping there was a couple of things on the passenger seat. I thought, "these are odd things for S18 to have" and started to look through them. I found a love note from the OW. I started shaking and just wanted to scream. I texted my H that I found this stuff and it doesn't feel good at all. I said some harsh things by text and left it at that. Then I continued my shopping trip while wanting to puke and shaking the entire time.

After being home a bit, I hear someone come over and it's the H. He feels bad and wants to talk about it. I try not to but I'm still so upset, and I've had wine, and I just am not nice...I'm raging. H tries all kinds of maneuvers, like "we were not happy, so why do you want to be with me", and "what can I do to make you feel better" and "I don't want to hurt you" and "why have you been so nice and are not so nice now"? And you were the one who wanted to postpone the D. I said "forgive me for wanting to process my life blowing up". I told him how he has no integrity or character, I asked if he had other affairs thought the years, I questioned why he's questioning me about how I've been acting when I didn't deserve this, etc. I told him this was his choice, and had nothing to do with my actions. He thinks it wasn't an affair and I had to point out that anything behind my back is an affair. Really? WTF? I was very angry. I didn't cry, but I'm on the verge now. I know he didn't leave the stuff in the car for me to find, but I've not really verbalized anything to him since this happened beyond a few initial things after the BD.

I've really said very little about how I actually feel, and how I realized he is not the person I thought he was. I know this is probably not what I should have done as part of DBing, but I couldn't help myself. I'm just so angry and sad. I told him I had hoped we could reconcile, but now I'm done fighting for us. So much for holding it together before I could serve him D first.