One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Yes, most of them are too self-centered to see anything from the viewpoint of the LBS. Your H is not going to be compassionate to your needs. Therefore, you need to be responsible for getting things done........like plumbing issues, etc. I don't know your financial situation, but if it were me, I would hire a professional plumber and give the bill to your H. Unless there has been some type of legal agreement about managing home repairs, I think he'll have to pay for it.

I'm going to give you a viewpoint from the other side of the street, so to speak. Although you may have seen your loss of self care as some type of sacrifice for your M, your H doesn't have what it takes to appreciate it. He only sees the outer shell of you. If you have let your health and physical appearance go, then it will anger him........if anything. Men are huge visible beings, as you probably know. They had rather see the house a little messy and the W looking good. As women, we often see it as being selfish to take time to keep up our appearances, rather than getting all the work done. However, I've seen this same scenario play out when the W becomes single again, and suddenly, she find the time to look her best.

Not many WAH's come to the board, but the success stories I've read where the H reconciled had a common denominator. Want to hear it? It's when the LBW stopped turning to him to do jobs around the house. It's when she started operating more independently from him. It's when she made big changes to her everyday self care. When she stops chasing after him and she starts having pride in herself, it shines through........and it makes more of an impact on him for what he's gave up. If you call him every time you need him to do something.........he sees it as pressure, and that old word we women hate.......a nag. I once read when a W repeats something one time, her H sees her as nagging. shocked I suggest you make it very clear in the "agreement" who pays for what.

You said he spent part time at home. Is he still in an affair? If so, then doesn't that compromise your values? Are you sleeping with him? If so, then you are at risk, physically of STD, and at risk emotionally........which could be more devastating.

Sandi, thanks for your note. I agree with you, and will start to just hire people to do stuff. He just starts and doesn't finish things lately anyway, and I can see what you mean that it doesn't help the situation. Thank you for the 2x4 on that one. As for my appearance and health, it did slide a bit as I went through menopause. I gained some weight and I was pretty exhausted so I didn't fix myself up as much as I used to. I'm sure it played a role. I finally got healthier and that helped me. So I'm on the mend and will not allow my appearance to be affected again in the future. And yes, I made everyone and everything else a priority but myself. I won't be doing that again either.

He did spend part time in the home and lived in the basement when he did. I've not been intimate with him since the BD. I don't believe he had been with the OW before the BD but I have no proof. I agree that it would put me at risk for STD, as well as I am not sure I could emotionally be intimate with someone who is in an affair. So, that's where that has been.

IMHO, the word "friends" is over-rated when it comes to someone who has betrayed you at the highest level. Especially, if that person is currently cheating. I think there is a big difference in conducting yourself in a friend-ly manner, and being their BFF. See what I mean? You can show class, poise, & grace, without being chums with him. If there is ever to be a friendship between you and H, it would have to come after he stops cheating and stops seeing you as his source of unhappiness. I just don't think you can do while going through this part of the sitch, but that's just my opinion.

I'm in total agreement. And that is why I feel I could not be 'friends' in the way HE thinks it would be. I had been friendlier as that was suggested by my marriage program as a way to try to reconnect and reconcile, but now that I feel that I want a D, I have backed off on the jokes, reaching out, extra friendly attitude...and well, he's noticed. Today he confronted me and asked if I was mad at him for something he'd done recently and was confused at how I've been less responsive (minimal text, not replying immediately to texts), etc. I told him, "you are having an affair with another woman and we are most likely headed to divorce so I am finding very hard to be friends with you". I told him "I will not be like your crazy XW, and I will work with you on maintaining things with the kids, etc, but I am struggling with being a friend to you with this situation as it is". We discussed some work stuff (he vented but it was stuff that also impacted me so I listened), and then I left the room while he stayed in the kitchen eating his lunch alone. So, I said it, I've made it clear we won't be friends, and I left the convo and the room first. And yes I will be classy! ha!

A couple thoughts for you. one, on the being friends-- I made it crystal clear to my H that we would NOT be friends in a D. This is one thing I stuck with from day one (also because I was infuriated with his ridiculous D fantasy where we'd stay BFFs and eat dinner as a family every night but then he'd go off to sleep with AP). I think you have to be careful that it isn't interpreted as a threat. I probably wouldn't bring it up. But when you start talking together about the future and what the D will look like, I'd definitely nip any of those fantasy BFF D scenarios in the bud. No, I don't want to co-own this house with you. No, I don't want to have any ties with you. No, we won't be friends. Friends don't lie and betray each other. I don't have room for a "friend" like that in my life. Etc.

May, I think there will be more convo on this in the future, but I felt that the way it was said it was not a threat, so it came up in the right way just as you described. I feel you... I feel the same.

PLC, thanks for popping by and the encouragement!

And I asked about the agreement again and he wanted a digital copy to mark up. Ugh. Still seems open to it, but not sure what to expect or when he will agree to sign it.