I started reading the boards here after my own BD 7 years ago. I was smacked with so much loss and devastation in a short time. This place really saved my life. It took me many years before creating a handle and posting myself— I was too vulnerable before that. I recall some amazing vets and advice over the years — you Sandi (obviously), Starsky (incredible), Wonka, 25, AnotherStander, and several others whose names elude me .... The vets spent time getting to know the poster and gave very personal and detailed feedback. I learned so much reading their stories and following.
I feel like the energy has shifted in the last couple years. There are not as many strong vets with solid and in-depth support. It’s often the same advice from the same posters. At times it reads confrontational and short-sighted. Sorry if that’s harsh of me, but it’s honestly what I think most days when I read a new thread. Also, Newcomers come and go much faster nowadays. I agree that it’s hard to invest the time and energy, for them to vanish and then be left wondering or perhaps worrying about them.
I don't have experience in what the boards were like previously, but I do want to make a plea for posters to keep a couple of key things in mind:
-- the LBS you are posting to is in crisis. Be kind. What you might consider to be "tough love" might drive someone who is really hurting and needs this place away. There are some posters who are able to deliver the 2x4s with love and nuance. Others can be, quite honestly, cruel. There was a poster here who helped me immensely through my situation. She was kind and direct and incredibly generous with her time and knowledge. She posted on her own thread about a very difficult situation with her H (they were in piecing) and a poster wrote a cruel and dismissive comment, basically saying he didn't know what the f!$k she was doing. That was months ago and she hasn't posted since. She'd been a member of the board for a couple of years before that and I quite honestly think his post was her last straw. I'm sad both for her but selfishly for myself as well. I considered her a friend and wish I knew how she was doing, and if this place had given her solace in the past and she needed it again, I am sad and sorry that she no longer felt safe here. Plus, her advice to me and others was gold. So I would just ask posters to be thoughtful in how they speak to people who are in pain and need support. Being a jerk isn't a badge of honor.
-- my other request is for posters to be more understanding that every LBS is different. Even if their situation seems similar to your own, they are a different person than you are and they may have different tolerances and decision-making processes than you do. So honor that. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them questions that can help them figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them you have no self-respect, or you clearly are acting out of fear, or whatever. You don't KNOW that! You may see that or think that from the outside, but telling someone what to do rarely works to change behaviors. Help them ask the right questions, release the focus from their WS, and guide them to find the answers themselves.
I do think that the tone of some of the posters is part of the reason that so many newbies come and go so quickly. I think it is possible to be supportive and a safe space for people in crisis while still providing difficult feedback to folks that need to hear it. Sandi is an example of someone who does all of this really really well. Her posts are always caring, thoughtful, and individualized to the LBS she's supporting. (thank you Sandi!!) I think we could all learn from her example.
Just my two cents, May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
