I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[SteveLW]

Pack thanks for clarifying things and bringing more insight.

So your W was unfaithful when you were dating.

Cheaters cheat because that's what they do and do not see it as being wrong.

Why do you think you were trying to live a life you couldn't afford?

Pack I am not saying you are not ready to D. Only you know if you are ready. I just don't think you should D to date.

So no truth to be selfish and arrogant?

Just so you know IMO is there is remorse it will be many many years down the road.

LH, not sure if you have ever cheated on a GF or wife. I have made it known before that I cheated on my W when we were dating.

I did see it as wrong at the time. "Cheaters cheat" is not really true. I did it once. I wanted the attention of multiple women that I had when I was single for the couple years before I met my W and began dating. Having multiple women made me feel desirable and wanted.

Most WW see it as wrong too. It is evidenced by their actions. If they believed it was morally right, they wouldn't hide it like they do. A lot of the WW's use the affair as a tool to break their bond with the husband, planning to get obsessed with a new man to forget about their old one. I'm sure many have heard the saying "the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new". But, as we know, that isn't 100% true. If you haven't spent time alone, you haven't gotten over things, those thoughts and feelings are not fully processed and people will flounder.

That said, I think men and women cheat for different reasons typically. I think you are pretty aware of this but I say this for everyone else reading.

I am more with LH on this one. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Past behavior is an indicator of relevant future behavior. Whether it was circumstances, mindset, or just the right opportunity, if it was capable of occurring before it isn't a huge leap to think that it can happen again.

Now, I do believe people can be remorseful and really change. It i just that it tends to be a very small % of the population that can do this in meaningful ways. I have been open about my past alcoholism. This is why I am a strict teetotaler now. I fear that allowing myself one sip will spin me down the path of alcoholism again. I have to be on guard, all the time, to keep it in check. I even told a story recently about seeing a whiskey-flavored ice-cream in the freezer section and suddenly I had a craving for bourbon! I haven't touched the stuff in nearly 30 years.....yet words on an ice-cream carton triggered a physical response. So ovr, I believe you can live the rest of your life without ever cheating again.......but it will require you being committed to that and doing everything in your power to not even start down that road.

Well Steve,

I have to 100% disagree with you. I normally love what you have to say, so this is quite the change. In order to always be a cheater, I'd have to have continued cheating. Since I have not, your statement is not true. If your sentiment is that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, I will have to agree. I didn't even need IC to figure out what I was doing when I cheated when dating.

For me, it was not an addiction, like alcoholism. I did it once, never became addicted, and my brain chemicals were never signaling that this behavior was required for survival to continue, like an addict's brain would.

My point is that there are levels to this. Some people are habitual, repeat offenders, some WS's are naive idealists who think they can be "friends" with people of the opposite sex, some WS's are looking for a way out of their marriage, some make a one time mistake, some are depressed, some have allowed a deep emotional involvement. I think that context matters.

Ovr, no problem man. I did say that there are those that can change, sounds like that was you. Your a valuable asset to this forum, and I am glad you being the perspective that you bring! There are always exceptions. There are no absolutes.