Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

[may22]

Hey, a hot thread!!

I wasn't trying to attack LH, Steve, Sandi, or anyone with my comment about me finding the alpha male/getting your b@lls out of your W's purse stuff gross. I would caution LBHs from embracing that path fully, though, as I don't know that it will help either save their M or get any future woman to date them, depending on their circumstances. As Sandi and I worked out at one point, we live in very different places and have very different circles of friends and acquaintances, as she doesn't know anyone who lived together before getting married and I don't know anyone who DIDN'T. So yes, I believe that women exist who would respond well to that approach. I simply don't know any of them. Also, it's offensive. I'm just mentioning it in case you guys care. I stopped reading LBH threads for a good long time because I just found all the alpha-male-rah-rah talk so offputting, and I can again. Or maybe can all agree to start saying "grow a pair of ovaries" for awhile instead and see how that goes. (Does that sound ridiculous to you?)

And LH, I wasn't referring to your advice specifically in/re GTFO. I just feel that there is a very cookie-cutter approach here quite frequently, particularly for LBHs, that equates to man up/take your b@lls back/NMMNG/kick her out unless she immediately ends her A/gets off dating sites/whatever, which of course is completely outside of the LBH's control, so effectively is kick her out. Blu touched on this in her post the other day on how things have changed on this board. I don't have experience pre 2019 here, but like WF I find the MLC board much kinder and open to helping the LBS find their own path through their mess rather than this board, right now. I've considered moving my thread over there for that specific reason even though it doesn't really make sense for my sitch right now.

I remember very clearly a year ago WF, new to the board and describing her sitch and getting beat up here with posters telling her to kick her H out, and her saying that if PA=D in every situation, there wouldn't be many LBWs who reconciled with their Hs here; that the automatic "kick him out" response is really not that different from the begging/pleading on the other end of the spectrum. Both are knee-jerk responses and these are situations, especially when children are involved, that deserve thoughtful, non-emotional consideration before choosing a path. It takes time to process what is happening and separate your fears and emotions from an honest evaluation of your situation, and to choose actions based on your values and beliefs rather than your feelings.

I get it. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to kick my cheating H to the curb. I told him a bunch of times to GTFO. But that happened when I was angry and letting my pride get in the way of my ultimate goal, which was to give my children a happy, stable two parent household; and in the absence of that, to be able to look back five years from know and know in my heart that I gave this M everything I could. I can't afford to have regrets about something that would be so impactful on my kids. It would break me. But that is just ME! I guess the point I am trying to make was that everyone's situation is different. Every person has their own boundaries and they may be different than yours. Developing and cultivating self-respect and self-compassion, then learning about your own boundaries by understanding your own emotional responses to various situations and learning how to enforce them-- this is all part of the process. It takes time. And is a very personal journey. I think we do newbies a disservice by TELLING them what to do, or what we would do in their situation. Give them the tools to detach emotionally (back to the basics of GAL, self-care, avoiding R talks) so that they can begin to figure out for themselves what is the best path for them.

And FWIW... this is what MWD says too. She advocates for staying in the house if you can handle it, even in an active affair. She says people might call you a doormat but you know better. You're fighting for your M in the smartest way you know how. It clearly isn't a path everyone can take, but it is also not completely crazy to contemplate it.

Self-respect has never been a problem for me, BTW, though I know a whole bunch of posters thought that here because I didn't file for D the second I learned about the PA. The reason I suggested he work on his own self-respect is that SD himself said it was a problem for him.

I think that the emotional detachment comes with time and practice, removing the focus from your WS and placing it squarely on you and your children. Do the work on yourself. If you can do it and want to do it while still living with your WS, go for it. That is SD's choice and I support it as long as it seems like he's able to do the work and continue his work on detachment throughout... and from what i read, I think he is able to do that. I do think there is value internally in setting a date for at the very least reevaluation of the situation (but I don't agree with an arbitrary date based on the end of COVID because dating sites will be jumping after that? That is weird and confusing.).

SD, thanks for the responses to my questions. I think you are doing really well. Don't try to skip over any of the steps-- this is one of those situations that you just have to go THROUGH it. Don't feel pressured to move faster than is right for you. Take what serves you from this board and don't get bogged down by advice that doesn't fit your situation. But also listen, even if you don't agree, and commit to continue reevaluating your situation and boundaries with a clear eye and be ready to make changes when the time is right. I think if you continue on this path, regardless of what happens with your M, you're going to grow immensely through the trauma and will be grateful for the gifts it gave to you.

Have you read any Esther Perel? I think you might enjoy her books. Also, you might like to read DnJ's thread over on the MLC board. He has some incredible posts about validation and boundaries and detachment. He is very wise and I think what he writes might resonate with you.

Hang in there.

xx M