A lot of that makes me think about something BlueWave posted recently, and May. About playing through the what-ifs if I had just walked away from this. If I hadn't subjected myself to a miserable IHS. Where would I be? Honestly Bluewave's point of starting from scratch gives you a whole new relationship to mess up in your own super fun personal way. I think she said it in the way of the LBS's flaws already being there out in the open. It's easier to callout and it's easier to own your part. I think about that a lot. Would I be trying this hard to show my H how much I appreciate how hard he works inside and outside our home for us if we hadn't gone through this? Probably not. He wouldn't be able to point out the micromanaging. And I wouldn't be able to not to take it personally and get defensive immediately. Same with his short comings. And I think about May watching her H slow waking up and finding his humility and remorse. As hard as it was to watch H go though the whole A, grieving the A, being confused about what he wanted, and then remembering who I was and who we were, I don't know that I'd like to take that back. I don't know that I would've been able to trust him again if I didn't watch the process in real time. I don't know that I would've believed it was anything other than lip service if he had gone and tried to come back. That's not to say my path is everyone. I know very well, my path isn't for most people. But for me I'm not sure it could've happened in any other way for us to be where we are right now.
Wayfarer, wow. This is good stuff. I didn't realize it but I feel the same way. The other day I started to feel a little frustration towards my W for something that wasn't done or wasn't done to my satisfaction. It was a feeling I would have felt 4 years ago, and then acted on by saying something critical to her. Almost immediately the thought popped into my head: "Do I love having that done (or done better) more than I love her?" And the answer was no. Not even close! And it caused my frustration to dissipate almost instantly! That was a perspective I was missing for so many years of my marriage. That I loved this woman so much more than all of the things I was allowing my frustration and resentment to make such a big deal about. Obviously I wish I could have woken up to this before having her seek solace in an EAP and to say she wanted a D. But that we were able to come through that better and stronger makes it ALMOST worth it.
I can honestly say, I have had both sitches. First one she immediately said she would end the EA, that she didn't want a D. And we started a "resistant recovery" (her words, not mine). Second time she said she wanted a D, showed no remorse and began to take steps to end the MR. In the first one I didn't do the work on me. Once I confronted about the discovered EA, and she said the right things, I went back to business as usual. In the second one because she was so intent on leaving the MR, I really started to do the work on myself for real, and to change my approach and dynamic permanently. After the first sitch, by time 3 years had gone by, I was already slipping back into my previous bad behavior. This time, three years in, I am still working on me. Such a big difference and I have to say it has to be related to the differences in both of my sitches.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
