Steve I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are one of very few men who give self possessed man advice that explains the nuances between being a d!ck and being self possessed. The line between self respect and trying to mean them back as Another Stander put it. But there is a huge gap in practice vs theory here that I see male vets dumping on to LBH newbies with the anticipation that they can just find that sweet spot with out swinging wildly. Even though you can see they are clearly not in control of their emotions much less their countenance around their wives. Which is why I say it a bandaid. Most LBH's since I've been here take a long time to figure out the path that lies between door mat and a-hole. And as a former WW in my first MR and as a LBW in my second MR now in piecing, demanding or commanding respect from me or women like me will get you no where fast. My respect for person isn't based in how they treat themselves, in my anecdotal experiences, straight men tend to be of a quite self serving breed. Being nice or being a jerk. It's all about payoff.
As far as allowing disrespect any one who is here is being disrespected. This concept of commanding or demanding respect is silly. Nothing you say or do will make a WAS/WS respect you more or less. WAS/WSs already have their minds made up. Drawing lines in the sand won't effect much either way. The only thing any of us has control over, man or woman, is building up all that the WAS/WS has torn down. This book called Difficult Conversations talks about one of the biggest things people have to overcome in conflict is having their identity and beliefs pulled out from under them because everything they believed to be true is now wrong. When we're BD'd our issue isn't that we've let the WAS/WSs walk all over us. Its that everything we thought to be true about ourselves and our lives isn't. That creates an identity crisis and crushes our sense of self, purpose, life, and because of that absolutely destroys every bit of confidence we've had. The kind of self possessed man you are talking about isn't one who commands respect by sheer will. It's man who's rebuilt himself who will survive this with or without his W. The place that converges with DB is we all need to find that person. That survivor within us. An alpha isn't what's attractive. A person who is no longer a victim to circumstance is.
As to the tone, if you dig into the archives or some of the like Wise DBers stuff about 5-6 years ago or even further back you can see 2x4s weren't as they are now. It was honest, and clear without the brutality that seems to be the go to with a lot of advice givers on here now. It was a lot more of "bro, she's dangling the carrot not you. I know you think it's working it's not." VS "MAN UP, SHOW HER SHE CAN'T ACT LIKE THAT." Also the concept of "nice-ing back" was related to actually like going out of their way to try to nice the WAS/WS back vs. just being a pleasant human person and approaching the mother/father of their children with the type of kindness and respect we hope are children are approaching strangers with when we aren't looking. Now I'm well aware there are some newbies around here that need it beat over their heads, but I've also seen plenty just behaving like a normal not bitter, angry people looked as being a doormat or trying to nice the stbxs or WAS back. There was a lot more of the kill them with kindness attitude back in the day. If you go to MLC there's still a lot of that attitude there. But those are long haulers who were/are most definitely dealing with actual MLCers. Which isn't something I personally could've done. I don't have it in me to have been able to live in limbo for years. I've read a lot of the MLC board as I've been going through this process because it's an encouraging place to be. It's just a slower, calmer place there. More virtual hugs and less brow beating. That's what the boards seemed to look more like a long time ago.
