Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

[SaltyDog]

May22 - thank you for taking the time for such a detailed response.

First off, I have always had a visceral, negative reaction to all the alpha/respect talk on the board re LBHs. I just don't buy any of this finding your b@lls/ commanding respect cr@p. (Sorry, guys, I think that is just gross.) What I do think is critical is SELF-respect, and as I've followed along I feel like Salty is doing a lot of the necessary work to cultivate true self-compassion and self-respect. When you truly respect yourself, you don't need to trumpet it from the rooftops, or tell your W to GTFO, or anything else. You respect and love yourself, and no one can take that from you. That is what matters.

I agree with you and you did a better job explaining it than I did. And it isn't that I disagree with some of the sentiment of boundaries or being strong enough to stand up for what you need/want. That is 100% something I need to do and am working on doing. I'm just also finding out a lot about myself as I go through this process and am growing as a result. As I mentioned to LH before, had I followed his advice back in the beginning and it worked, yes we might be together right now but it wouldn't last because I'd still be the person who thought he was the victim and we'd go back to our old ways. I wouldn't have hit bottom and seen things clearly. I wouldn't have gone from doing things in hopes of getting her back to doing things to become a better person. Did she have a role in the problems of our marriage? Absolutely. Did I have my head up my ass thinking all those problems were her fault and I was the one busting his ass all the time? Yup. She begged me for connection and support and I couldn't do it. I was so closed off emotionally, nobody could get in. What would've taken "balls" at that time would have been to open up, risk getting hurt, and to stop thinking I was being tough and by doing everything and soldiering on day after day. Had I not gone through all of this, I wouldn't have ever realized that. It's like an addict hitting bottom and all the lies and bullsh!t go away and you suddenly see things clearly.

I agree with this:

You can earn respect by admitting to past mistakes and showing a willingness to make improvements. You can make an effort to be true to yourself and find that self-respect and confidence that you lost somewhere along the way. You can show that you're willing to show up.

Whether that's practiced with your kids, your W, your parents, your colleagues, your friends, or just really focusing on understanding your own values and aligning your actions with them-- to me, that is key. It doesn't mean you are trying to nice her back. It just means you are willing to listen, to change, and have a growth mindset. For YOU, not for her.

Exactly. In the first few months after BD, it was all about her and "look at me and all the changes I'm making" and then I pulled back, almost out of spite, and somewhere along the way some of the stuff I was reading started breaking through. It probably started with The Four Agreements, followed with a lot of Stoic stuff, and really was blown apart with Untethered Soul. Just the idea of getting out of your head, your thoughts aren't you, be present, stop assuming, and you can only control yourself. Things still hurt, but how I deal with that hurt is fundamentally different than how I used to.

What regrets do you want to avoid at all costs?

I want to avoid her pulling the plug saying "I told you exactly what I needed and you wouldn't do it." because I chose to ignore what she said she needed and instead did the opposite.

What things are you willing to compromise on today in order to ensure you walk through your journey being true to your own values?

And that is the dating sites. I know I am not OK with that but I am willing to tolerate it for now. That has an expiration date, but for now it is something I cannot control so I can't waste time or energy dwelling on it. Easier said than done obviously.

I believe you *will* know when you're ready to move on.

I believe that as well.

Work on getting to a place where you are no longer tied to her emotions and actions.

This has been my focus over the past month or so. While our time together has increased, I have also worked hard to make sure our time apart is about me and/or me and the kids. In the past, all I could think about 24/7 was her, us, and our situation. It was exhausting. Now I still think about all that, but it is more in waves than constant. It is almost as if I will think "wow, haven't really thought about us for a bit" which unfortunately tends to dovetail into thinking about us, but at least there is now that space.

Honestly, I think you're doing really well. Hang in there.

Thank you!