Yeah it's not weak to let things play out and see where the chips may fall. SD isn't in emotional crisis. He isn't losing his mind and just trying to survive. If he wants to risk his heart in the hopes that this might work out the way he wants it to so be it. They are separated. W is living her life. SD is living his. He loves his W. His W has no idea what she wants. The black and white concept of respect around here is what's gross. Not so much the machismo. Although being a Mexican American women who's under 40 I have A LOT of thoughts on that that a lot of guy vets around here wouldn't like very much. Also I was a WW in my first MR. And I am neither devoutly Christian nor am I proponent of gender roles. Unfortuately most women aren't. So as much as Sandi's rules are really good blanket rules. And as much as her advice is pretty decent blanket advice for LBHs it, and this is with as much respect as I can muster because she deserves it for all her time and attention put here, her advice isn't the be all end all. Straight women aren't a monolith. And the fantasy that is spread around here that being an alpha will gain you the respect and desire of women is just that a fantasy. A self possessed man isn't an alpha male. And no amount of alpha male posturing will save a marriage. It is simply a bandaid for men who've lost self confidence. It's the ego equivalent of steroids. - One last thought on that Men are from Mars Women are from Venus is 30 years old and has been and always will be refuted as gender roles and the thinking associated with them are sociological not psychological or anywhere near biological.
Respect is earned, not demanded. Respect isn't objective. It's subjective and I genuinely hate how people attack each other with "do you not respect yourself at all?" We as LBS aren't a monolith either. Some newbies are TERRIBLE at the concept of self preservation and willingly walk into the lion's den because maybe the lion won't attack this time. Other's are very good at self preservation and swim through DBing. And there are other's still who while they want to save themselves, their heart, detached or not is still very much tied to their spouse. So they are willing to take some ill advised chances. Are their choices always smart or at the very least are the odds in their favor? Nope. Not even close. But there has to be a better way than "find your b@lls" or "demand respect." And there is. How about "and how did that work out for you?" or "Ok I see what you're saying, but can I ask you something. How is this serving you? What are you gaining from this? I see what WW is getting. But I can't see what you get here other than hurt." Yes 2x4s are needed around here. And most definitely for some more than others, but everything doesn't need to be a 2x4 all the time. I seriously struggled staying here because when looking at how this board was even 5 years ago the tone was sooooo different.
That being said SD. I think you have your wits about you, although I do believe your love blinds you more often than not. Also just a reminder this journey is your own. Take what works leave what doesn't that's in your welcome post. Don't ever forget that. Next I haven't read through your whole sitch yet. But I can see that you are still very much in love with your W. That as removed from her chaos as you may think you are, you are not removed from her. I commend that you want to try and be open to her, and possibilities. I commend your desire to be a light house. I just hope you are being a light house and carefully watching your own shores. WSs will drag you along and keep you at arms length as long as they are allowed to. You are going to have to ask yourself at some point here how long arms length is good enough. How long will arms length serve you? SteveLW put a date on his. I put a date on mine. It's an arbitrary date. It can be moved forward or backwards as you see fit, but at the very least it's a date set to reassess. Steve set his as a year. I set mine as a year. H had a year to figure out what he wanted by then or I was going to figure it out for him. You deserve a life where you aren't perpetually waiting on a person who isn't sure about you. You deserve to find the happiness she's looking for out there. And while I know right now it feels like that happiness would be with her in your old life, you have to realize that MR is dead and gone and never to return. If, and that's a big if, if you and W reconcile and move forward you have to accept that that marriage is a whole new marriage. There is no going back only going forward. Have you sat down and really thought about what your needs are should that opportunity arise. Also I did see a while back someone asked you what you're goals were for yourself? Have you come up with some concrete ones yet? Have you taken the time to look at your life looking forward both with and without W in it? Finances? Custody? Placement? Also I recommend re-reading what Another Stander posted to you a while ago. You can't nice them back, and you can't mean them back either. You need to take a good look around your life and start making plans, even if you don't ever use them. You need to know what both roads look like for you. Because your W has been looking at both for some time now.
