I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Pack it is going to take a really really long time for your W to see and trust your changes. I get the sense that you were a jealous and controlling person. Am I wrong?

hi again LH, controlling? Yes I have made decisions in the past that have led her to feel controlled, like the time we moved to Germany and she was not sure and I took the lead instead of listening to her. I am really working on that issue, I control my thoughts and my actions only and I will communicate better with everyone in my life. Jealous? I never was, she was unfaithful once as we were dating before S7 was born and that certainly affected my head but I have always had confidence and self worth so I have never been jealous. I am being now because she is out there living the life of a teenager and not caring about our mortgage, the things our kids need... I always imagine the worst and I end up thinking I am paying for half her nice little house where she can be with anyone but me. I will work on this thoughts, but no, I was never jealous.

Number one and year and a half is a short time in DB land and number two I suggest you try to forget about the picnic analogy. You seem to get confused when you hear terms here. Just continue to become your best self.

Consider it done! Thanks for the comment LH, 200% focused on Pack!

Pack you have 100% owned your side of the street. I understand why you feel the way yo do but no need to feel guilty anymore.

I have a lot of guilt linked to having allowed all that has happened and the changes that occurred in my life and career after DB, I think I made many mistakes because of my emotional weakness at that point, this causes me guilt.

No I don't think you should date while married. I believe you are thinking of divorcing to date. I don't think you are ready to date right now.

I am very tired of this and not seeing one tiny sign of change or remorse from her. I want to remain calm and peaceful but 1.5 years of blaming and bringing me down, ignoring me and telling me she owes me nothing, and now there is OM. Enough, yes I am thinking about D to end this nightmare, I dont know if it would be a good decision.

I am not ready to date, I have a lot of thinking to do about Pack and my best version.

Did you fight a lot? What did you fight about? What did she want you to change? Why do you think you were so happy and she wasn't in the marriage?

We did, but I always assumed we were moving forward. We fought about money, the pressure I had to provide a life that we could not afford made us grow apart. She also resented the time I spent at work even if I helped immensely with the kids at home but that was our life. We did not talk like partners and we did not have a healthy sex R where we could talk things openly and she had massive self esteem issues. She also thought I was selfish and arrogant, which I know I am not but somehow she perceived me that way and we always did the same weekend plan, go out for lunch, because she loves it and I was not putting my needs first and covering them. I was happy because I was looking at the long term and I knew it was a phase with the kids and eventually we would have a better R, more time for us and a much better financial situation. She was not happy because our emotional R was terrible, I see it now, I would kill to be given a chance to change it, but that is just not happening.

I have spent hours and hours reading, thinking, analyzing what went wrong, when I was hurting her and when I was being hurt by her, how our lives were focused on the kids, how intimacy went down the drain and how she approached me aggressively to talk these things and I would withdraw. I don't know what else to do beyond making myself and our kids happier...I know nobody said it would be easier, I know 1.5 years is not much, but things are happening that are tearing my core apart. I wish it would end, I think I see D as an end and I want an end, yet I am not ready to give up.

Thanks LH,
You always make me think a lot about my attitude!