Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

[LH19]

Well, I have a bit of a different take on this one and am fairly sure LH is going to disagree with me or say I'm still fooling myself too or whatever. Sorry, LH. We will probably just have to agree to disagree on this one.

That's ok May. SD should get other perspectives.

First off, I have always had a visceral, negative reaction to all the alpha/respect talk on the board re LBHs. I just don't buy any of this finding your b@lls/ commanding respect cr@p. (Sorry, guys, I think that is just gross.)

Well May do you know what I think is gross? Women who are married and having sex with their husbands and are on dating websites. Men having affairs with two young children. I would also like to add that finding your balls and commanding respect are what just about everyone one of Sandi's posts are about so it's just not a guy thing. Yeah I use the term from time to time but I am more about walking away from things that do no work for you.

What I do think is critical is SELF-respect, and as I've followed along I feel like Salty is doing a lot of the necessary work to cultivate true self-compassion and self-respect. When you truly respect yourself, you don't need to trumpet it from the rooftops, or tell your W to GTFO, or anything else. You respect and love yourself, and no one can take that from you. That is what matters.

He is making progress and I have commended him on it. I never told him to tell his W to GTFO so I am not sure if you are referencing another poster? What I was suggesting he do is tell her that this is NOT working for HIM. He is no longer going to the affair pad. He is going to stay in the house full time with the kids and she is welcome to stay too or she can go to the affair pad full time.
I agree with this:

You can earn respect by admitting to past mistakes and showing a willingness to make improvements. You can make an effort to be true to yourself and find that self-respect and confidence that you lost somewhere along the way. You can show that you're willing to show up.

I am not disagreeing with the statement. What I am saying is he is not being true to himself. He doesn't want to go to the love pad and be in this open marriage. He is doing it out of fear and then is NEVER a good position to be in.

Here's my take. In my sitch I continually put myself five, ten years in the future and really spent time thinking about how I would look at myself and my actions and decisions today as my future self. It was very very important to me that I not have any regrets. And each person has their own individual line of what they can or cannot handle, what they will or will not regret. LH says you will regret leaving her the safety net. Maybe. It sounds like in your situation, that is how LH would feel. But you know yourself the best. What regrets do you want to avoid at all costs? What will be okay? What things are you willing to compromise on today in order to ensure you walk through your journey being true to your own values? Only you know yourself. I would challenge you to really think through all of this carefully and with radical honesty. You may very well find that you agree with LH and ending your current limbo is the right move. You may not. I just think the process is important and shouldn't be skipped over, and it will not look the same for every person.

So May do you think it's possible that if he took my suggestion that down the road he may say to himself "I wish I would have given her more time to date other men while we were married"? Is that a rational regret? Or maybe a statement based on the fact that he didn't save his marriage.

Work on getting to a place where you are no longer tied to her emotions and actions.

So May what are your thoughts on how he can get there under these conditions?

So I am also curious how this ends. She decides one day ok I'm done. I have sewn my oats. As we were. Until what the next time SD isn't his best self then what it starts up again? As you know May there is a LONG road ahead if this dating nonsense ever ends.