Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

[may22]

Well, I have a bit of a different take on this one and am fairly sure LH is going to disagree with me or say I'm still fooling myself too or whatever. Sorry, LH. We will probably just have to agree to disagree on this one.

First off, I have always had a visceral, negative reaction to all the alpha/respect talk on the board re LBHs. I just don't buy any of this finding your b@lls/ commanding respect cr@p. (Sorry, guys, I think that is just gross.) What I do think is critical is SELF-respect, and as I've followed along I feel like Salty is doing a lot of the necessary work to cultivate true self-compassion and self-respect. When you truly respect yourself, you don't need to trumpet it from the rooftops, or tell your W to GTFO, or anything else. You respect and love yourself, and no one can take that from you. That is what matters.

I agree with this:

You can earn respect by admitting to past mistakes and showing a willingness to make improvements. You can make an effort to be true to yourself and find that self-respect and confidence that you lost somewhere along the way. You can show that you're willing to show up.

Whether that's practiced with your kids, your W, your parents, your colleagues, your friends, or just really focusing on understanding your own values and aligning your actions with them-- to me, that is key. It doesn't mean you are trying to nice her back. It just means you are willing to listen, to change, and have a growth mindset. For YOU, not for her.

Here's my take. In my sitch I continually put myself five, ten years in the future and really spent time thinking about how I would look at myself and my actions and decisions today as my future self. It was very very important to me that I not have any regrets. And each person has their own individual line of what they can or cannot handle, what they will or will not regret. LH says you will regret leaving her the safety net. Maybe. It sounds like in your situation, that is how LH would feel. But you know yourself the best. What regrets do you want to avoid at all costs? What will be okay? What things are you willing to compromise on today in order to ensure you walk through your journey being true to your own values? Only you know yourself. I would challenge you to really think through all of this carefully and with radical honesty. You may very well find that you agree with LH and ending your current limbo is the right move. You may not. I just think the process is important and shouldn't be skipped over, and it will not look the same for every person.

The other thing I think is important is this-- if you are thoughtful and truly honest with yourself about what you're feeling and seeing, and really can look at your W and her behaviors without the rose-colored glasses-- I believe you *will* know when you're ready to move on. The vets say you have the gift of time... use it. Continue focusing on yourself and cultivating self-compassion and self-respect. Focus on your children and being the best dad you can be. Let go of that which you cannot control-- your W's thoughts and behaviors and whether or not she can figure her own cr@p out. Work on getting to a place where you are no longer tied to her emotions and actions. As you walk the path, you will find there are things you are doing today that no longer serve you, which could range from sleeping with your W to staying married to her. Or, maybe you are okay continuing as is for awhile. The point is it is your path to walk and you need to get there authentically.

Honestly, I think you're doing really well. Hang in there.