Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[may22]

Mmmm, Cardinal. This is a tough one.

I think this is a really good series of questions for yourself, worthwhile to dig into more.

Thinking about you participating in this alternative reality with him...I wonder a bit what DnJ would say to this. Physically you are sharing a space and a life together, or at least parts of life. I don't know that you necessarily are sharing your perceptions of reality, in that you seem to have a grasp on reality and he does not, and this little cocoon of make-believe seems to be working for him right now.

Here are some things you said that stood out to me:

But I'm not comfortable with the idea that I'm still just part of reenacting a similar pattern with him.

He created this alternate reality. I guess I resent a little that I should be the one who is constantly saying, let's communicate about this D and how long are you actually going to live here?

I also don't know what else I'm supposed to do, if I don't want to leave the house and I don't want to try to push the D faster myself (partly because I'm still thinking he'll be more open to agreements if he feels like he is in control, partly because I don't know that I could really move anything along at this point myself anyway, since the ball is in his court).

But I also realize part of me doesn't want him completely gone from my life.

By participating in this alternate reality, I'm maybe just prolonging my grief. While I'm still living with him, I can't fully move on.

These things taken together say to me that you are not wholly comfortable living with him in your current circumstances, even as fulfilled and busy as you are now with your work. I didn't pull any of your words around where he is or may be or may not be in his journey, because... I don't think it matters, much. You seem far more detached and healthy in talking about it than you did before, which is really wonderful to see. But I guess to me what it all boils down to is... what does CARDINAL want? What life do you envision for yourself, with him out of the equation? Maybe he heals eventually and maybe he does not. As you know, not within your control.

But for you... is this what you want from your own life? Making jokes and sharing food and pretending that he isn't also trying to erase your marriage and lives together as it if never existed? He seems so broken, to me, to have done that, and even more so that he can live all these days right in your same house and have no awareness of how his actions may have affected, currently affect, or will affect you. Teenager does seem like the right analogy, just so blindingly self-centered and oblivious. I don't think it is what you want, and the resentment and discomfort you are feeling is telling you that. I would attend to those little feelings you have. They're worth listening to. And the last thing you want is to get to a place where that negative energy starts to build up and spill into the gratitude and self-compassion you've been cultivating.

The house has always been this big thing that was a non-negotiable for you, connected in a lot of ways to your even living in the place where you live (at least, I recall you saying that if you gave up the house, you may have to move back to your hometown as you wouldn't be able to afford to stay where you are now). I think you went through a process before of thinking about leaving and decided to stay. I want to challenge you-- what if you did move out? What then? What if your landlord came by tomorrow and said, hey, so sorry, I put the house on the market and when your lease is up, you'll have to move? I guess a little part of me does suspect that the last couple of lines I pulled are connected to the house... maybe part of the reason you are so attached to it and cannot envision finding another workable living solution is indeed because you aren't ready, or don't think you are ready, to have him completely gone from your life.

But I do also think that you may be prolonging your grief... or maybe not that, but delaying living your own best life. I feel like he's kind of this net that is weighing you down, Cardinal. Maybe you aren't completely trapped in it anymore but at least one of your wings is still enmeshed. What would it look like for you to shake off that net and fly free?

(((Cardi)))