Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
It was very hard to come back. Its hard to get back into dad mode. I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Anyhow, I wanted to post just to keep up.
Scott, it is your life and you get to make your decisions and choices. So you shouldn't be worried about what the board will approve or disapprove of. You did get dragged through the ringer, no question, and I can understand why you would question everything: love, trust, sharing, etc. That is where IC can help so much. I truly believe that people are the products of their environment around those things. What worked for your parents may or may not work for you. I know my dynamic in my marriage is so much different than the dynamic in my parents'. And I truly believe that is why I struggled for years in my own marriage. Finally finding my own footing through self-discovery, IC, etc has helped me (and my MR) immensely.
I do have to point out that I have seen this movie before. I've had friends that going through rough patches in thier marriages, turn to members of the opposite sex for support. Then a new R started blossoming there and they were "DONE" with their marriage. The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Scott, the interesting thing is that sometimes once the LBS really moves on, the WAS suddenly starts questioning what they are doing. As you continue to move forward, and to detach, she will start feeling that sense of loss as you being their as her safety net......and that might get her to come around being more open to saving things. That will be your real test about how much you are done with the marriage.
Onward and upward, Scott! You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
