Why has the forum come to a snail's pace?

[SteveLW]

We don't seem to get the steady amount of newcomers as fast as we did in the past.........for whatever reason. My other concern or question is why some people who are in the thick of things in their sitch, go for days or weeks without posting anything on their thread. I'm not talking about the people who have been around here for a long time, and who want to help someone else. I mean actual newcomers who desperately need some guidance. I don't know how many times I've written a response on a newcomer's thread, and never hear another word back from them. I don't know if they even looked to see if anyone wrote to them, or if they checked and didn't like what was said. Also, and I won't call any by name, but we've stuck with certain people very diligently, while they were going through terrible times. Then, at what seems to be the most critical point .......they fell out of sight and we were left hanging. We never know what happens. Maybe I'm just silly, but when I invest time trying to help someone, I would like to know if they are okay, at the least. I mean, we're strangers but we share very private details of each other's lives and for the most part, I think we care what happens. That's why we stick around this place. I still worry about a few that I personally spent many days mentoring them as best I could, and suddenly at the most critical point.......they'd vanish.

Maybe they can't handle criticism, or they think we are too harsh. I've been shocked when reading a board member's post to a newcomer, and see nothing that stands out as "harsh"......but the newcomer will sometimes remark that it's rather strong or harsh. Here's the kicker, the ones that stand out in my mind were not women. They were all new guys that showed up for advice. I always thought men could take it, but, go figure.

I will confess that there have been periods where I would be getting very frustrated with certain ones, and I could see my tone was a bit sharp, so I would back off for a couple of days and try to soften up before tackling it again. (LOL)

BTW, I wanted to explain why I was not able to do as much posting for what seemed light a long stretch of time to me. Various health issues prevented me from keeping my normal pace on the board. I went nearly a year with serious neck problems where I couldn't sit, stand, bend over, or much of any position for over a few minutes, except lay flat on my back. Not fun! Then when the neck got better, something else fell apart (story of my life). Like, overnight my hands froze and my fingers wouldn't work. Here's the thing.....I'm sure I brought it all on myself by overdoing. Plus, you guys may laugh when I tell you that I learned to type on an old manual typewriter back in high school (not an electric typewriter, and not the keyboard we have today,....... and don't ask me how long ago it was). Fingers had to be very strong to type those old typewriters back in the day. The teacher of the typewriting class (yes, that was the name of the course) had us do finger exercises to strengthen them, else you couldn't press the keys hard enough. To this day, I strike the keyboard so hard.........and if I am somewhat passionate in what I'm typing, my poor fingers are stomping these keys as if my life depended on it!!! After all these years, you'd think I could retrain myself to be a soft touch on the keyboard. But as you might guess reading some of my posts in past times......it's just not my nature to be a softie. So, there you have it. (LOL) If you don't see me on the board, just assume I must be out of commission, but I will return as long as my old hands hold up.....such as they are.

As with all of your posts, this is very well said (or should I say, typed with a very hard struck keying!). I can think of one women that whose husband was very wayward, openly cheating on her, and was getting good guidance from the board. She was going to a wedding that he was going to be at, and we never heard from her again. I believe it was in the fall of 2018 time-frame. I should point out it was especially disconcerting because her WH had shown the ability to be aggressive with her. I think of her often.

I know I was hard-headed at the beginning of my sitch, and didn't want to listen to the advice. The 2x4s woke me up! If strangers on the internet could be that passionate about my sitch, enough to take me to task for doing things counter to helping my sitch, then I realized that I could be just as passionate in trying to DB as well as I could. Coming back, telling on myself for making mistakes, getting more 2x4s and encouragement to push ahead were all key to my journey! I remember one poster telling me I was treating my W like a child. Something that came out in IC was that I had a father-daugther relationship with my W! That a stranger on the internet could see that relatively quickly was impressive!

I think some of the newcomers come here, as Andrew pointed out, wanting to hear: DO THIS...SAY THAT...SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! And when they realize that DB isn't 1) a guarantee and 2) is more about fixing yourself than your MR, they get discouraged and move on looking for another resource that will give them the SAY AND DO this approach. As Andrew said, I was there too. And what I finally got through my thick head was there was NOTHING I could do to fix my MR and get my WAW/WW to come back.

The thing that bothers me like you sandi is the newcomers that refuse to come here before taking action to get feedback before doing something that will set them back. Even when you tell a particular poster they need to do that, and they repeatedly come back saying "Well I did this...said that....." after not posting for days. You could see that if they would just have come here then the posters here could have talked them down off the ledge. But coming here and telling us afterwards is too late.

I think the board has gone through other lulls in my 3+ years here. I think it kind of ebbs and flows.