Trying to do the right thing...

[DnJ]

Hello OC

I am sorry. I suspect you feel like you’ve been through the wringer, and emotionally you have. (((Hug)))

OC, detach. Let go.

It's been nearly a year and so much has happened. Since Covid delayed so many court cases, My WW was finally sentenced this week for her 2nd DUI from last January. She's since lost everything of physical value and now lives with her mother an hour away from her current work.

XW has a roof over her head, and employment. Lots of people commute. I live one hour from work as well. No big deal.

Last October she sent me a text saying I was the only man for her (she refuses to speak on the phone). She said she doesn't know who she is without her family. I told her I didn't believe her and she assured me this time it's true, and she wanted us to move back to her state. She violated her probation in this state and so there is a warrant out for her arrest.

Good for you for not moving.

Next time she pleads her case or pulls on the heartstrings, don’t bring up your lack of believing her words, that just makes her defensive. Say, something like:

XW - I don’t know who I am without my family.

OC - I’m sorry you feel that way.

That makes zero sense that all of us should uproot our lives and make the effort and expense to move across the country just because she wants to be with us again, and I told her so. I encouraged her to call the probation officer here and see what she'd be able to do, but she's scared she will have to go to jail.

Definitely makes zero rational sense. It does have a certain irrational pattern to it. This is like her seventh or eighth time wanting to reconnect.

As for jail time. She needs to face the music - sooner or later. You encouraged her to speak with probation officer, the rest is up to her. Consequences cannot be avoided forever. Of course, that is a rational viewpoint.

In any case, nothing changed. She continued to only text and it was infrequent. Three weeks later she started seeing another man, and I let her have it. Now she accuses me of turning her away (gaslighting). At the moment she is now seeing several other men. She's also had some work done on her face and is seeking out other elective surgeries to "improve," herself.

Three short weeks, and the cycle continues. She is an emotional mess. Let go and give her to God. You cannot fix her, for you did not break her.

It's been nearly five years. She's had many, many "rock bottoms," and continues to act out her life with me and the children as her emotional support, but nothing further. It's been weeks since she's even tried to facetime with her youngest son.

In her five years she’s made many bad choices, DUI, abandoning her children, etc. The rock bottom is up to her. Until she really gets there, and some never do, she will keep running and skipping onto the next thing to help her avoid her pain and hidden past trauma(s).

In my humble opinion, and I have a XW who abandoned her children and insisted I get full and sole custody, XW doesn’t get emotional support from you or the kids, she uses you when she needs too. She seeks you guys out when she feels like a terrible person and mom, and needs a refill on her fantasy narrative.

A person in crisis will expend incredible energies on maintaining their fantasy reality. You know this, you have experienced many touch and goes, anchor checks, and such. Many times, these nicey-nice visits are to push buttons to get the LBS worked up and lead to an argument, so the MLCer can bolster their justifications.

She's back to it being all about her and what she wants and needs while I have to pick up all the pieces. The cycle just continues.

She’s not back to it all being about her - that suggests at times it isn’t. No, her path is always about her! The times it appears not to be, she is hiding how she feels.

You cannot break her cyclic journey and rollercoaster of emotional gaslighting. However, you can get off the ride.

This week I started blocking her on all of the social media platforms I used to share pictures of the kids for the rest of the family to follow (I'm not connected to her on any of my personal accounts). I doubt she will even notice for a while.

Blocking her is a good idea. You do not need random connecting from her. Not from her the person, nor from FB’s reminders or friend requests and such. This is a boundary for your sanity and emotional health. Stick to it.

I've considered going 180 again. It's the only thing I think I can do for my own sanity.

I just don't know what else to do.

Save yourself.

An emotionally troubled and manipulative person will make you crazy and question your own sanity. Let go. Detach.


OC, you are divorced. Finalized four years ago. Please stop letting yourself be dragged around.

More or less, the last time you we here, daughter was living with Mom and finishing her last year of high school. How did she do? What is she doing now? Working? College? University? Where does she live? With you, mom, BF, or by herself?

How is S18? Last year at high school I suspect. What are his plans? Is he excited with graduation planning? How has he eased into being an adult?

You have sole custody of S9, right? Does he have actual school classes? Or online classes? How is his reading and math? Is he artistic? Likes to run? Or more a thinker?

How is work for you? I am guessing you did not accept the leadership position back in her state. Are you renting or did you purchase a house?

My first post to you was encouraging you to post often. To vent, to update, to seek suggestions. I am encouraging you again. I, for one, would love to hear how and what you are doing. And I am sure many others would love to know as well.

I'm tired.
I'm disillusioned
I'm sad.

(((Hugs)))

You are among friends who know what you are going through. We all share a common path and lost.

Stay strong.

D