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How do the WAS assume a friendship after betrayal is even possible? Are they so self-centered that they do not see anything from the viewport of the LBS?


Yes, most of them are too self-centered to see anything from the viewpoint of the LBS. Your H is not going to be compassionate to your needs. Therefore, you need to be responsible for getting things done........like plumbing issues, etc. I don't know your financial situation, but if it were me, I would hire a professional plumber and give the bill to your H. Unless there has been some type of legal agreement about managing home repairs, I think he'll have to pay for it.

I'm going to give you a viewpoint from the other side of the street, so to speak. Although you may have seen your loss of self care as some type of sacrifice for your M, your H doesn't have what it takes to appreciate it. He only sees the outer shell of you. If you have let your health and physical appearance go, then it will anger him........if anything. Men are huge visible beings, as you probably know. They had rather see the house a little messy and the W looking good. As women, we often see it as being selfish to take time to keep up our appearances, rather than getting all the work done. However, I've seen this same scenario play out when the W becomes single again, and suddenly, she find the time to look her best.

Not many WAH's come to the board, but the success stories I've read where the H reconciled had a common denominator. Want to hear it? It's when the LBW stopped turning to him to do jobs around the house. It's when she started operating more independently from him. It's when she made big changes to her everyday self care. When she stops chasing after him and she starts having pride in herself, it shines through........and it makes more of an impact on him for what he's gave up. If you call him every time you need him to do something.........he sees it as pressure, and that old word we women hate.......a nag. I once read when a W repeats something one time, her H sees her as nagging. shocked I suggest you make it very clear in the "agreement" who pays for what.

You said he spent part time at home. Is he still in an affair? If so, then doesn't that compromise your values? Are you sleeping with him? If so, then you are at risk, physically of STD, and at risk emotionally........which could be more devastating.

I do believe the dynamics of a WAH and that of a WAW are different, b/c the male & female think differently and do not operate the same. However, that's not to say you shouldn't GAL, detach, and set goals, 180's, etc.

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I think he also feels we can just be friends, and I don't think I can do that, and I'm not sure if that is something I should make clear verbally or just show it during the D process? I can be friendly and detached as we have the kids and work stuff to consider, but anything more than that I feel is not possible, considering the lies and betrayal.


IMHO, the word "friends" is over-rated when it comes to someone who has betrayed you at the highest level. Especially, if that person is currently cheating. I think there is a big difference in conducting yourself in a friend-ly manner, and being their BFF. See what I mean? You can show class, poise, & grace, without being chums with him. If there is ever to be a friendship between you and H, it would have to come after he stops cheating and stops seeing you as his source of unhappiness. I just don't think you can do while going through this part of the sitch, but that's just my opinion.

I want to encourage you to stop thinking and acting as if he is still your devoted H. I'm sure that's tough, but it will help break the habit of immediately turning to him whenever something is needed. If you have always depended on him for most things, it may be difficult at first, but you'll quickly like being in charge of your own environment.

I would tell every single LBW out there to learn how to have spunk! You can be spunky and have class.


Last edited by sandi2; 02/21/21 02:19 PM.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!