One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Journaling: So today my old house has an issue with the plumbing. It was really hard to try to fix things myself as my H is not organized and I couldn't find any of the things I'd need to even try. So I pinged him and he came right over. He was pretty grumpy but helpful, and was frustrated as he was supposed to do a lot of business work over the weekend, and now this. It made me realize how often he has left things undone or uncared for, and then is angry when things don't go right. He spent most of the day on it and I left him to it. I stayed friendly but detached and didn't let his grumpy attitude get to me. In fact, I'm not feeling great today and took a long nap this afternoon.

He repeated what I'd heard a million times "work is so busy right now and I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with this this week". I thought back to all the times I did all I could (sacrificing my own self care) to allow him time to do work after hours, thinking I was supporting him, and he was off on his computer having an EA. So, I'm not feeling very sorry for him at the moment. Of course, if he can't resolve the issue tomorrow, he wants me to find somewhere else to do laundry and shower (during a pandemic) so he can put off fixing it all week. While he is happy in his AirBnB. I think I will call someone if he can't resolve it tomorrow. Definitely want it fixed before our son comes over next weekend.

I'm sure he will use this same excuse about work to postpone signing the agreement too. I'm expecting it. He mentioned he wants to discuss our sitch (aka the D). So I'm not exactly sure how to respond as I don't want to discuss it until I am ready to file. I think he also feels we can just be friends, and I don't think I can do that, and I'm not sure if that is something I should make clear verbally or just show it during the D process? I can be friendly and detached as we have the kids and work stuff to consider, but anything more than that I feel is not possible, considering the lies and betrayal.

How do the WAS assume a friendship after betrayal is even possible? Are they so self-centered that they do not see anything from the viewport of the LBS? There is still a part of me that wants to be the lighthouse and stand for him, but there is other parts of my heart and brain that are telling me that is not what I should do. How do I know if it's worth doing? How do you tell the MLCer apart from the person you married, and if they have changed for good? Or if it was all a mirage in the first place and maybe they were never the person you thought they were? If I move on post divorce with finding someone new, how do I know I won't pick a bad apple again? How do I trust my judgement? So much was hidden from me, so how can I be sure the next time? These are the thoughts and fears that I am dealing with lately.